Took Your Car, Drove To Texas...

So, this boy likes to come and go in my life, and being a stupid girl sometimes, I keep letting him come back. But now, I'm done. I said that I was done as soon as I got back from Scotland, but after the past week, its done for good. I never wanted to use this blog to talk about my love life, because I feel its trite and shallow. There is so much more to life than boys. It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Miranda yells at the other 3 about how they should have more to talk about than boys, and I feel that I do. However, I'm making a permanant declaration and it will be here to remind me if I ever feel like I could be slipping into old habits again.

So, after a confession last Saturday to me through Facebook [because this boy is a coward] of how much he misses me and how much he doesn't miss me and how much he loves me, I got soft. I didn't let him back in, but I let him tell me these things, and thats weak. I should have just told him right then and there too late bud. But I didn't, I was empathetic. Anyway, after some interaction over the past week, I sent him an article I found interesting that pertained to his life this past Saturday, and apparently by doing that I inadvertantly called him a "little boy". And then he told me if my objective in sending him that article was to make him not want to talk to me, then I had succeeded. I was upset at first. But this morning, I am thanking the God's.

While I was misunderstood and there was no reason for him to be mad at me... I'm okay with it. I'm not going to set the record straight. I have no obligation to. And frankly, I hope this 'not talking to me' threat isn't so much a threat as a promise. I hope its a permanant fixture in my life. A permanant fixture of his absence. Cause that would just be SUPER! He drags me down. He makes me flustered. And I have been such a happy person when he hasn't been a part of my life. So here's to changes. Here is to growing. Here is to focusing on myself and doing what is right by me.




...Sorry Honey, But I Suspected That We Were Through, And I Can't Cry Anymore.

Some Days I Feel Like Crying...

I feel that I should clarify the quote from my previous post. Since it obviously leaves some confusion to outsiders. The television drama that I referenced before that parallels a lot with yours truely had that quote in it, and like with most of this particular show, I felt very connected with it. However, it needs to be put in context.

Main character's mother has advanced early onset alzheimer's. She's in the hospital for something and they find a mass on her pancreas. Most likely pancreatic cancer. Said daughter hopes that its cancer.

Alex: Pancreatic cancer is quick. Its painful, but its quick. And they give you morphine for the pain.

Meredith: What kind of daughter wishes her mother has cancer?

Alex: They don't give you morphine for alzheimer's.


I hope that clears things up a bit. And now the explanation for the association to myself.

I felt that I had come to accept that my own mother would be getting alzheimer's with an onset probably within the next 10 years. Apparently I was a fool for thinking that I knew that. After I finally pulled the veil off of my own eyes and saw where I was at with my mother yesterday... well, lets just say I spent the last 30 minutes in the shower crying. I don't really like that I'm 22 and am having to deal with this. I've already dealt with it 3 times, and frankly, the thought of my mother becoming an empty shell scares the shit out of me. To a debilitating point. To the point where while I was crying in the shower I was scratching my skin off. I have scratch marks all over my body now. Thats how bad this is going to fuck me up... more than I already am. So, on that cheery note.


...Don't Matter If It's Rain Or Shine, I Feel Like My Heart Was Broken At Least A Million Times.

"They don't give you morphine for alzheimer's."

All Your Diction Dripping With Disdain...

I start teaching tomorrow. I'm teaching a college course. I'm teaching COM 101. I'm teaching students that are only 3 to 4 years younger, some not even.

This can't be right. Someone's made a mistake. I shouldn't have impressionable minds in my hands. This is what I've wanted for over a year now, and now its here and I feel so ill prepared. I don't know enough.

I can do this... right?



... Who Gives A Fuck About An Oxford Comma.

Once I Rose Above The Noise And Confusion, Just To Get A Glimpse Beyond The Illusion...

I was under no illusion that this semester was going to be a breeze. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be a lot of work. And I'm always up for the challenge. I feel that without that challenge and constant push from myself to do more, I would lose everything that I feel defines me at this time in my life. I pride myself on my hard work and my ambition. It's who I am.

But this afternoon, reality sucker punched me in the nose.

Dr. Withers handed out a "Thesis Timeline" to the new, incoming graduate students [I was at this meeting because I did not have the opportunity to attend previously, as I began in the middle of last year]. I wish this paper would have been handed to me and the Thesis process would have actually been explained to me when I began. Maybe I would have actually known then that I should have started last spring to make sure I was done by this May. A small digression...

Anyways, it all hit me. How my time was going to be divided up this semester. And how non-existant leisure time is going to be. The time to write lesson plans for each class. The time to write up activities for each chapter. The time to grade outlines, speeches, etc. Office hours. Actual teaching time. My four classes. Time to write papers. Time to read for each class. Time to study for the GRE [which is coming up way too ridiculously soon]. Getting my prospectus done for my thesis within the next few months. Applying to PhD programs.

So basically what I'm getting at here, is that I won't be sleeping much or eating at all for that matter. So, 10 mental breakdowns, 15 pounds less, and four months later, I hope I'm still alive and able to function as a normal human being.

I'm not kidding, this semester might be the end of me. 12 credits + 6 credits of teaching, is a whopping grand total of 18 credits. That's a TON for an undergraduate as is. I'm in f'ing Grad school. I, without a doubt, am going to lose it. And it hasn't even officially started yet.

... Though My Eyes Could See I Still Was A Blind Man, Though My Mind Could Think I Still Was A Mad Man.

Flies In The Vasoline We Are...

So, I've noticed that in the small time I've been here at school, my skin has cleared up quite dramatically. And I have come to a really ridiculous conclusion that I can't believe I haven't noticed until now. Let me lay my evidence on the table.

I got home for the summer, and while over in Scotland, I noticed that my skin was getting more riddled with acne than it had recently been. At that point in time I blamed it on two factors. Scotland's water content and the new birth control I was taking. Horomones and new chemicals on the skin were a one-two punch combination for out of control skin problems. Okay, fine, whatever, it will go away once I get home. Not so lucky. Lasted all summer. A different kind of acne than I was used to, smaller zits, and more of them, instead of the really huge few I'd normally have on a constant basis. Wierd.

So, now I'm not living at my parent's home anymore and guess what my skin has done? Gotten better. It's cleared up quite a bit. Crazy how that works, eh? Gotta love how horrible my parents lifestyle is for my health.



...Keep Getting Stuck Here All The Time.

Who Shot That Arrow In Your Throat, Who Missed the Crimson Apple?...

After I got out of my fifth day of GTA training yesterday, I had hit the end of my rope and fallen off with my tolerance of the 15 other people I'd spent about 40 hours with nonstop. So, I did what any normal girl would do. I hopped in my car and I went and got myself lost on country roads. No, really, I went and got lost. And it was everthing I thought it could be and more. Apparently, nothing soothes the soul like fresh air, blue skies, mile after mile of grass, fields, trees, and farms, dirt roads, and the power of a car. Freedom. That inner "cowboy" so to speak. Leaving it all behind and just going. So, I put 70-80 miles on my car. And I felt amazing afterwards. My frustrations got left in the dust that trailed my car. One of the more expensive ways to deal with issues now, but well worth it. However, this 'driving therapy' can only be done so often, because of said expensiveness. So, today, after my sixth day of GTA training, and the final student activity was done, it left me with a general uneasiness and a sickness.

So, let me explain why this activity left a bad taste in my mouth. This whole week, we've had a crash course of getting to know complete strangers and opening up on a lot of stuff. We've done a lot of disclosing in 6 days which usually takes at LEAST a few months to work up to. Nope, not this week. Between the ice breakers and artificat speeches we've had to give that describe us, a lot is coming out quite quickly. This leaves one more vulnerable and uneasy than normally. So, things have been intense to say the least. And let me mention, one of the things that has been hard for me is how liberal everyone here is. Not saying I'm a raging conservative, because I'm not, however, I'm definately not a liberal. And it seems everyone here has very outspoken politcal views, which is fine, but when that is the majority of what they talk about and then get in fights about the extreme lefts and rights... well, it makes things tense.

So back to the activity. Todd's newly created activity. Six signs posted on the wall.

Illegal. Illegal, but acceptable. Not a Good Idea. Acceptable. Brilliant. Legal.

A scenario is read and you go and stand under the sign which you agree with most. Then you and your group come up with an attention getter, thesis statement, and your main points of contention. You get 3 minutes to do so. A great activity to teach students how to quickly put together the main objectives for a persuasive speech. Except that we're not students, and Todd apparently likes to push the envelope and make people disclose a LOT of information on touchy subjects that divides people and their ideals.

Question one: You're driving in an area of high crime late at night, is it alright to disobey traffic signs and signals?

Question two: Is it okay to buy a garment, wear it for a day, and then take it back to the store?

Question three: Spanking your child.

Also, it should be noted that you weren't allowed to explain your main points, and that you had to collaboratively come up with your main points. So, no one got to explain anything personally, there was no inbetween for answers when there were so many shades of grey, and after already disclosing to everyone so much this week already, I think this was just the icing on the cake. Normally, I don't think any of these issues would have upset me so much, but they did today. Exhuastion has set in. Physically, mentally, and socially. I hate that we only have one day off before we have to do it all again. Its getting old really quickly. And I feel more and more isolated from these people I have to spend the year with, with each passing day.

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm drained. I'm disappointed. And I have a feeling teaching isn't going to be as fulfilling and exciting as I was expecting it to be. This week has broken me. And that in and of itself, after this summer, is disheartening.

...And There Is Dischord In The Garden Tonight.