Once I Rose Above The Noise And Confusion, Just To Get A Glimpse Beyond The Illusion...

I was under no illusion that this semester was going to be a breeze. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be a lot of work. And I'm always up for the challenge. I feel that without that challenge and constant push from myself to do more, I would lose everything that I feel defines me at this time in my life. I pride myself on my hard work and my ambition. It's who I am.

But this afternoon, reality sucker punched me in the nose.

Dr. Withers handed out a "Thesis Timeline" to the new, incoming graduate students [I was at this meeting because I did not have the opportunity to attend previously, as I began in the middle of last year]. I wish this paper would have been handed to me and the Thesis process would have actually been explained to me when I began. Maybe I would have actually known then that I should have started last spring to make sure I was done by this May. A small digression...

Anyways, it all hit me. How my time was going to be divided up this semester. And how non-existant leisure time is going to be. The time to write lesson plans for each class. The time to write up activities for each chapter. The time to grade outlines, speeches, etc. Office hours. Actual teaching time. My four classes. Time to write papers. Time to read for each class. Time to study for the GRE [which is coming up way too ridiculously soon]. Getting my prospectus done for my thesis within the next few months. Applying to PhD programs.

So basically what I'm getting at here, is that I won't be sleeping much or eating at all for that matter. So, 10 mental breakdowns, 15 pounds less, and four months later, I hope I'm still alive and able to function as a normal human being.

I'm not kidding, this semester might be the end of me. 12 credits + 6 credits of teaching, is a whopping grand total of 18 credits. That's a TON for an undergraduate as is. I'm in f'ing Grad school. I, without a doubt, am going to lose it. And it hasn't even officially started yet.

... Though My Eyes Could See I Still Was A Blind Man, Though My Mind Could Think I Still Was A Mad Man.