"They don't give you morphine for alzheimer's."

All Your Diction Dripping With Disdain...

I start teaching tomorrow. I'm teaching a college course. I'm teaching COM 101. I'm teaching students that are only 3 to 4 years younger, some not even.

This can't be right. Someone's made a mistake. I shouldn't have impressionable minds in my hands. This is what I've wanted for over a year now, and now its here and I feel so ill prepared. I don't know enough.

I can do this... right?



... Who Gives A Fuck About An Oxford Comma.

Once I Rose Above The Noise And Confusion, Just To Get A Glimpse Beyond The Illusion...

I was under no illusion that this semester was going to be a breeze. I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be a lot of work. And I'm always up for the challenge. I feel that without that challenge and constant push from myself to do more, I would lose everything that I feel defines me at this time in my life. I pride myself on my hard work and my ambition. It's who I am.

But this afternoon, reality sucker punched me in the nose.

Dr. Withers handed out a "Thesis Timeline" to the new, incoming graduate students [I was at this meeting because I did not have the opportunity to attend previously, as I began in the middle of last year]. I wish this paper would have been handed to me and the Thesis process would have actually been explained to me when I began. Maybe I would have actually known then that I should have started last spring to make sure I was done by this May. A small digression...

Anyways, it all hit me. How my time was going to be divided up this semester. And how non-existant leisure time is going to be. The time to write lesson plans for each class. The time to write up activities for each chapter. The time to grade outlines, speeches, etc. Office hours. Actual teaching time. My four classes. Time to write papers. Time to read for each class. Time to study for the GRE [which is coming up way too ridiculously soon]. Getting my prospectus done for my thesis within the next few months. Applying to PhD programs.

So basically what I'm getting at here, is that I won't be sleeping much or eating at all for that matter. So, 10 mental breakdowns, 15 pounds less, and four months later, I hope I'm still alive and able to function as a normal human being.

I'm not kidding, this semester might be the end of me. 12 credits + 6 credits of teaching, is a whopping grand total of 18 credits. That's a TON for an undergraduate as is. I'm in f'ing Grad school. I, without a doubt, am going to lose it. And it hasn't even officially started yet.

... Though My Eyes Could See I Still Was A Blind Man, Though My Mind Could Think I Still Was A Mad Man.

Flies In The Vasoline We Are...

So, I've noticed that in the small time I've been here at school, my skin has cleared up quite dramatically. And I have come to a really ridiculous conclusion that I can't believe I haven't noticed until now. Let me lay my evidence on the table.

I got home for the summer, and while over in Scotland, I noticed that my skin was getting more riddled with acne than it had recently been. At that point in time I blamed it on two factors. Scotland's water content and the new birth control I was taking. Horomones and new chemicals on the skin were a one-two punch combination for out of control skin problems. Okay, fine, whatever, it will go away once I get home. Not so lucky. Lasted all summer. A different kind of acne than I was used to, smaller zits, and more of them, instead of the really huge few I'd normally have on a constant basis. Wierd.

So, now I'm not living at my parent's home anymore and guess what my skin has done? Gotten better. It's cleared up quite a bit. Crazy how that works, eh? Gotta love how horrible my parents lifestyle is for my health.



...Keep Getting Stuck Here All The Time.

Who Shot That Arrow In Your Throat, Who Missed the Crimson Apple?...

After I got out of my fifth day of GTA training yesterday, I had hit the end of my rope and fallen off with my tolerance of the 15 other people I'd spent about 40 hours with nonstop. So, I did what any normal girl would do. I hopped in my car and I went and got myself lost on country roads. No, really, I went and got lost. And it was everthing I thought it could be and more. Apparently, nothing soothes the soul like fresh air, blue skies, mile after mile of grass, fields, trees, and farms, dirt roads, and the power of a car. Freedom. That inner "cowboy" so to speak. Leaving it all behind and just going. So, I put 70-80 miles on my car. And I felt amazing afterwards. My frustrations got left in the dust that trailed my car. One of the more expensive ways to deal with issues now, but well worth it. However, this 'driving therapy' can only be done so often, because of said expensiveness. So, today, after my sixth day of GTA training, and the final student activity was done, it left me with a general uneasiness and a sickness.

So, let me explain why this activity left a bad taste in my mouth. This whole week, we've had a crash course of getting to know complete strangers and opening up on a lot of stuff. We've done a lot of disclosing in 6 days which usually takes at LEAST a few months to work up to. Nope, not this week. Between the ice breakers and artificat speeches we've had to give that describe us, a lot is coming out quite quickly. This leaves one more vulnerable and uneasy than normally. So, things have been intense to say the least. And let me mention, one of the things that has been hard for me is how liberal everyone here is. Not saying I'm a raging conservative, because I'm not, however, I'm definately not a liberal. And it seems everyone here has very outspoken politcal views, which is fine, but when that is the majority of what they talk about and then get in fights about the extreme lefts and rights... well, it makes things tense.

So back to the activity. Todd's newly created activity. Six signs posted on the wall.

Illegal. Illegal, but acceptable. Not a Good Idea. Acceptable. Brilliant. Legal.

A scenario is read and you go and stand under the sign which you agree with most. Then you and your group come up with an attention getter, thesis statement, and your main points of contention. You get 3 minutes to do so. A great activity to teach students how to quickly put together the main objectives for a persuasive speech. Except that we're not students, and Todd apparently likes to push the envelope and make people disclose a LOT of information on touchy subjects that divides people and their ideals.

Question one: You're driving in an area of high crime late at night, is it alright to disobey traffic signs and signals?

Question two: Is it okay to buy a garment, wear it for a day, and then take it back to the store?

Question three: Spanking your child.

Also, it should be noted that you weren't allowed to explain your main points, and that you had to collaboratively come up with your main points. So, no one got to explain anything personally, there was no inbetween for answers when there were so many shades of grey, and after already disclosing to everyone so much this week already, I think this was just the icing on the cake. Normally, I don't think any of these issues would have upset me so much, but they did today. Exhuastion has set in. Physically, mentally, and socially. I hate that we only have one day off before we have to do it all again. Its getting old really quickly. And I feel more and more isolated from these people I have to spend the year with, with each passing day.

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm drained. I'm disappointed. And I have a feeling teaching isn't going to be as fulfilling and exciting as I was expecting it to be. This week has broken me. And that in and of itself, after this summer, is disheartening.

...And There Is Dischord In The Garden Tonight.

Under The Bridge Downtown...

How anti-climactic. I just finished my first day of GTA training and what a horribly dull day. I honestly couldn't even tell you what we did today. It didn't seem like we got much accomplished. We did a few ice breakers. We went over the syllabus. We talked vaguely about what was expected of us as teachers and what could be expected from the students. From 9 am to 4 pm. We spent six hours sitting in a classroom of 15 grad students and one professor and I honestly don't have anything to say about it except that I have to know the syllabus front and back for tomorrow for a 'quiz'.

Needless to say, all of my excitation and anxiety was pointless and wasted. All of my expectations, non-existent in reality. And so, now I'm sitting in my new house, alone, and not surprisingly... a bit depressed. I really hope the rest of the semester isn't as big of a let down and so ridiculously dull as today has been. Hopefully all of the boring-ness runs its course in this two week course of GTA training and that is the rest of it for the entire year. Frankly... I would take good or bad turns in life as long as it keeps things interesting. I don't mean drama, cause frankly, I'm not a dramatic person, but I want things mixed up. Just stir it up. Like I've said before, I want passion in my life, and this is so uninspiring.

... Is Where I Drew Some Blood.

If You Haven't Been There, You'll Never Understand.

So, here I be. Sitting in my house in Suburb-ia, USA. And its been almost 4 months since I last was in the Yoop. [and I mean on its land... not stuck in one of its harbour's.] And God, do I miss it terribly. I've traveled a decent amount. I've been to 5 different countries and done a decent amount of traveling within the US... and let me tell ya, I still would take the Yoop [the Keewenaw Peninsula in particular] any day over any other place. It gets in you. It snakes up your feet and legs like a vine, it takes hold of your arms and it infiltrates your blood until it takes over your heart. And it has mine. Here is the story of the UP... and then below is a video I took almost a year ago. The reason I love this video so much is because that nowhere else in the entire world would you find a scene like this. And that is a true story my friends. So without further ado, let me share with you my love for this beautiful place, this different world, this separate peace.

In da beginning dere was nuttin. Den on the first day God created da Upper Peninsula. On the second day He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks. On da third day He said "Let dere be Yoopers to roam da Upper Peninsula".On the forth day He created da udder world down below. On the fifth day He said "Let there be trolls to live in the world down below". On the sixth day He created da bridge so da trolls would have a way to get to heaven. God saw it was good and on da seventh day, He went Huntin.

[I apologize for the unstable picture. So those who succumb to motion sickness easily, beware.]

Now, its hard to enjoy this land or these people if you don't have a heart for the outdoors and a mind that can appreciate those with a simple life and thought process. Because really, the UP is stuck in da 80's, their way of life is simplistic, they have an appreciation for nature in all its glory and wrath, they actually KNOW how to drive in the snow [because thats all they get to drive in], and frankly, I love every damn minute of it. The atmosphere, the slow, relaxed life style, the amazing scenery, being surrounded by water on 3 sides, cliff jumping, snow shoeing, spelunking in old copper and coal mines, backpacking pictured rocks, day trips to Tahquamenon Falls [the second largest falls in the US], Grey Wolves trotting down the side of the highway, Bald Eagles fighting off a murder of crows for dinner, crazy foxes running around campus, squirrels who have more diversity in color than an entire city, drinking not as sport, but as a survival technique in the winter, drinking cheaply [a gift from God for all college students] the serenity experienced on a clear night when you can see every star in the sky, and those you shouldn't be able to see, due to the lack of mass lighting for miles and miles, the amazing yooper accent, yooper-isms, pasties, Da Bridge, the Keweenaw Peninsula, The Dredge, The Gay Bar in Gay, MI, Copper Harbor, The Ambassador 'Tostada Pizza', Seeing "Canada on Fire" as you near the International Bridge, The Soo Locks, and so on.

My dear friend, please visit the Upper Peninsula of Michigan at some point in your life. Because honestly, if you haven't been there, you haven't lived. And if you need a tour guide, I would be more than happy to show you the best places.

Say Yah To Da UP, eh!

The Age of Aquaraius

My Horoscope for Aug. 5th, 2008:

"...Your love life will fit into a practical scheme quite soon, although it may get more boring than your curtains..."

How could my 'love life' get more boring? When something doesn't exist, I'd say thats the most boring state it could exist in. So, 'Seriously?!'


Good thing I don't put much stock in Horoscopes.

Echoes and Silence...

There's this show I've been told I resemble. I resemble a character in some aspect, and there has also been some storyline parallel. Being in one of my 'dusk moods' this evening, I decided to watch some fiction that really doesn't make my life look all that bad, cause well, that tends to either enhance the 'dusk mood' or make me feel better. But tonight, there was a disturbing revelation involved with the viewing.

I randomly selected a disc from season 3. In this random episode I watched, the father of a supporting character died. And while I mourned the similarities of of the 'lost cause' and the death from asphyxiation, it hit me.

These callouses that have formed from the two years of damage control my life turned into... are just that. A tough, thick, portion of epidermis to keep my nerves from any sensitivity or pain.

All of that bullshit was the trial run. That was just the tremor before the big one. Its coming. It may be a few years off yet, but its on its way. Life has recently been easy and enjoyable for the most part. That just doesn't sit well when you're me.

Something wicked this way comes.

...Patience and Grace. And all of these moments, I'll never replace.

[and all i want is to be home]