They Say It's Your Birthday...

Oh the cluster fuck that was my birthday.

I had been wanting to head to Tahquamenon Falls for a few weeks, and decided that I would head up North for a day trip and invite friends to go along to experience one of my favorite things with me. I had about 8 people who had commited to going with me from Central on Thursday, the 9th of October. On Wednesday, during the 10 minute break I had between my 3 hours of teaching and 3 hours of class, two of my co-workers decided to tag team me and tell me that no one would be going to Tahquamenon with me the following morning. Twelve hours before we were to be leaving. Of course I was disappointed. I had been so geeked to go up there and then everyone bailed on me at the complete last minute. Then, I had to sit with this disappointment and hurt bottled inside of me for 3 hours. During our break from class, I went back in to the Bullpen and one of the people who had told me that they had backed out was still in there. I kept my mouth shut for a while and then I couldn't take it anymore. I said "Todd, I'm really pissed!" He replied with "No, you're not going to make me feel bad about this." And I said, "I'm not trying to make you feel bad!" And that was the extent of the conversation. And that is also the last time Todd talked to me. It should also be noted that Todd is a drama queen, he says he's not gay, but no one is convinced of this, and the kid never shuts up. He is constantly chirping about something, so the drama and the gossip never stops flowing from his lips. Hence, I have been treated extremely differently by everyone in our office since this incident, not to mention I have been ostricized from the group. People do things in groups and I am never invited to anything anymore.

Anyway, back to the birthday celebration...

Friday I had a rollerskating party. That is right my friends, an old school rollerskating party with quite a few people. My sister even came up to celebrate. Saturday, I got to drive a car in the Homecoming parade and then I drove home after tailgating to celebrate with my family.



Overall I had a pretty decent birthday. Definately had its ups and downs, but such is life.


... It's My Birthday Too, Yeah!

Didn't Think This Day Would Ever Come...

I was looking at some pictures on facebook and procrastinating on beginning my work for the week, when I came across a picture from sept. 21, 2005. I recently visited the place where this pic was shot 3 years previously, and I almost started crying.

I grieve for the person I was in that picture. The life I knew at that point in time, that only a month and a half later would be shattered. I grieve for my innocence and I grieve for what I lost, both family and personally. I would give anything to go back before November of 2005. Life was never easy growing up, but I had no idea what difficulties lay ahead of me. I had no idea what darkness, despair, anguish, pain and struggle lay ahead of me. I was so unaware on sept. 21, 2005. I was so innocent. I don't think I'll ever know as much happiness again. You can't ever go back to not knowing. And knowing is the worst.

...Now All I'm Feeling Is Lost And Numb.

"I've got no one Meredith. I don't know how I got here, but I've got no one."

Izzie

Let Your Eyes Girl, Be Other Worldly...

Let us recap September:

-I went to the most BORING wedding ever... nothing says "I Do" like a dry wedding reception where everyone leaves by 8:00 pm.
-Hung out with Bryan while he was home for this wedding.
-Went and saw grams a few times and fed her at lunch.
-I took the GRE on September 11th.
-I got an unsolicited apology from the boy-o.
-I sang my heart out every Thursday night at the Cabin. Apparently singing mostly Fiona Apple means I'm an angry panda... its not my fault all of the sad/angry songs are the only ones in my range.
-September was uncommonly hot. (thank God it immediately got cold on Oct. 1st... no kidding)
-I spent an amazingly horrible weekend at Purdue. Indiana could quite possibly be the most dull state ever. West Lafayette wasn't too bad. Cute little place situated around an enormous campus. I was late for my 3 meetings about the PhD program because the secretary there told me they were an hour behind us (not the truth). Then I spent an hour trying to find the building because apparently no one that works there knows where the liberal arts building is. So, I walked around with two married professor's while they ran errands around campus and chatted about the program. Then, my group decided that they didn't want to attend much of the Org. Comm conference, so I sat in a hotel room and watched CNN for the majority of the weekend. That weekend was about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop.
-Got my GRE scores back. Lets just say the only part I should have done well on was the worst part. I apparently am incompetant at writing. I did famously on the math and verbal. I still cant believe I did so poorly on the writing. It almost boggles my mind.
-Celebrated my mom's and aunt's birthday at my siblings on the way home from Purdue.
-Some days I love teaching. Some days I want to ring my students throats for being so F'ing dumb.
-A lot of people are pushing me in the direction of a cute boy in the program. What are the chances of dating two guys named "Bo" in one's lifetime? Honestly, are there really that many guys named Bo?
-Took said cute boy home from the bar the other night (because he rides his bike) and got a handshake. Thats right ladies and gents. A handshake. Nothing like a handshake to kill a girl's self esteem.
-I have a thesis advisor finally! YAY! Wendy Papa is going to help me do my quantitative research on the "Effects of the death of a family member on college achievement" with an intervening variable of social support. So yay for progress on this project.
-Went to Uncle John's Cider Mill on Friday evening with some of the Comm grad students. Good times in the cider mill, winery (complimentary wine tasting... awesome!), and corn maze.
-Went and saw Clinton Kelly from TLC's "What Not To Wear" yesterday at Macy's in Novi. He's pretty "Freakin' Fabulous" which is apparently the title of his unreleased book. Might have to check that out.

Stay tuned for an update after this week... It's going to be a crazy one with the Birthday on Saturday. And yes, of course I've got three days of celebration already planned out. Come on now, its me. Would you expect anything less?


... Count Your Blessings, Seduce A Stranger.

Took Your Car, Drove To Texas...

So, this boy likes to come and go in my life, and being a stupid girl sometimes, I keep letting him come back. But now, I'm done. I said that I was done as soon as I got back from Scotland, but after the past week, its done for good. I never wanted to use this blog to talk about my love life, because I feel its trite and shallow. There is so much more to life than boys. It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Miranda yells at the other 3 about how they should have more to talk about than boys, and I feel that I do. However, I'm making a permanant declaration and it will be here to remind me if I ever feel like I could be slipping into old habits again.

So, after a confession last Saturday to me through Facebook [because this boy is a coward] of how much he misses me and how much he doesn't miss me and how much he loves me, I got soft. I didn't let him back in, but I let him tell me these things, and thats weak. I should have just told him right then and there too late bud. But I didn't, I was empathetic. Anyway, after some interaction over the past week, I sent him an article I found interesting that pertained to his life this past Saturday, and apparently by doing that I inadvertantly called him a "little boy". And then he told me if my objective in sending him that article was to make him not want to talk to me, then I had succeeded. I was upset at first. But this morning, I am thanking the God's.

While I was misunderstood and there was no reason for him to be mad at me... I'm okay with it. I'm not going to set the record straight. I have no obligation to. And frankly, I hope this 'not talking to me' threat isn't so much a threat as a promise. I hope its a permanant fixture in my life. A permanant fixture of his absence. Cause that would just be SUPER! He drags me down. He makes me flustered. And I have been such a happy person when he hasn't been a part of my life. So here's to changes. Here is to growing. Here is to focusing on myself and doing what is right by me.




...Sorry Honey, But I Suspected That We Were Through, And I Can't Cry Anymore.

Some Days I Feel Like Crying...

I feel that I should clarify the quote from my previous post. Since it obviously leaves some confusion to outsiders. The television drama that I referenced before that parallels a lot with yours truely had that quote in it, and like with most of this particular show, I felt very connected with it. However, it needs to be put in context.

Main character's mother has advanced early onset alzheimer's. She's in the hospital for something and they find a mass on her pancreas. Most likely pancreatic cancer. Said daughter hopes that its cancer.

Alex: Pancreatic cancer is quick. Its painful, but its quick. And they give you morphine for the pain.

Meredith: What kind of daughter wishes her mother has cancer?

Alex: They don't give you morphine for alzheimer's.


I hope that clears things up a bit. And now the explanation for the association to myself.

I felt that I had come to accept that my own mother would be getting alzheimer's with an onset probably within the next 10 years. Apparently I was a fool for thinking that I knew that. After I finally pulled the veil off of my own eyes and saw where I was at with my mother yesterday... well, lets just say I spent the last 30 minutes in the shower crying. I don't really like that I'm 22 and am having to deal with this. I've already dealt with it 3 times, and frankly, the thought of my mother becoming an empty shell scares the shit out of me. To a debilitating point. To the point where while I was crying in the shower I was scratching my skin off. I have scratch marks all over my body now. Thats how bad this is going to fuck me up... more than I already am. So, on that cheery note.


...Don't Matter If It's Rain Or Shine, I Feel Like My Heart Was Broken At Least A Million Times.

"They don't give you morphine for alzheimer's."