Took Your Car, Drove To Texas...

So, this boy likes to come and go in my life, and being a stupid girl sometimes, I keep letting him come back. But now, I'm done. I said that I was done as soon as I got back from Scotland, but after the past week, its done for good. I never wanted to use this blog to talk about my love life, because I feel its trite and shallow. There is so much more to life than boys. It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Miranda yells at the other 3 about how they should have more to talk about than boys, and I feel that I do. However, I'm making a permanant declaration and it will be here to remind me if I ever feel like I could be slipping into old habits again.

So, after a confession last Saturday to me through Facebook [because this boy is a coward] of how much he misses me and how much he doesn't miss me and how much he loves me, I got soft. I didn't let him back in, but I let him tell me these things, and thats weak. I should have just told him right then and there too late bud. But I didn't, I was empathetic. Anyway, after some interaction over the past week, I sent him an article I found interesting that pertained to his life this past Saturday, and apparently by doing that I inadvertantly called him a "little boy". And then he told me if my objective in sending him that article was to make him not want to talk to me, then I had succeeded. I was upset at first. But this morning, I am thanking the God's.

While I was misunderstood and there was no reason for him to be mad at me... I'm okay with it. I'm not going to set the record straight. I have no obligation to. And frankly, I hope this 'not talking to me' threat isn't so much a threat as a promise. I hope its a permanant fixture in my life. A permanant fixture of his absence. Cause that would just be SUPER! He drags me down. He makes me flustered. And I have been such a happy person when he hasn't been a part of my life. So here's to changes. Here is to growing. Here is to focusing on myself and doing what is right by me.




...Sorry Honey, But I Suspected That We Were Through, And I Can't Cry Anymore.

Some Days I Feel Like Crying...

I feel that I should clarify the quote from my previous post. Since it obviously leaves some confusion to outsiders. The television drama that I referenced before that parallels a lot with yours truely had that quote in it, and like with most of this particular show, I felt very connected with it. However, it needs to be put in context.

Main character's mother has advanced early onset alzheimer's. She's in the hospital for something and they find a mass on her pancreas. Most likely pancreatic cancer. Said daughter hopes that its cancer.

Alex: Pancreatic cancer is quick. Its painful, but its quick. And they give you morphine for the pain.

Meredith: What kind of daughter wishes her mother has cancer?

Alex: They don't give you morphine for alzheimer's.


I hope that clears things up a bit. And now the explanation for the association to myself.

I felt that I had come to accept that my own mother would be getting alzheimer's with an onset probably within the next 10 years. Apparently I was a fool for thinking that I knew that. After I finally pulled the veil off of my own eyes and saw where I was at with my mother yesterday... well, lets just say I spent the last 30 minutes in the shower crying. I don't really like that I'm 22 and am having to deal with this. I've already dealt with it 3 times, and frankly, the thought of my mother becoming an empty shell scares the shit out of me. To a debilitating point. To the point where while I was crying in the shower I was scratching my skin off. I have scratch marks all over my body now. Thats how bad this is going to fuck me up... more than I already am. So, on that cheery note.


...Don't Matter If It's Rain Or Shine, I Feel Like My Heart Was Broken At Least A Million Times.