Little Dandelion, Let Your Heart Keep Time

Ahh yes, Thesis. It's that time, chaps. The time when a girl trying to get through her MA as quickly as possible has to stop procrastinating and being indecisive. It's time to choose. It's time to commit. And so, here is an account of the juggling I have done over the past two months.

A personal motto of mine is, "If you don't do it with passion and conviction, whats the point?" I feel like if I'm going to do something, I sure as hell better put my heart in it and commit wholly to the project, whatever it may be. No doubt, I wanted my Master's Thesis to reflect this state of mind. If this thing is going to be bound, booked, and possibly published in journals, I want it to be something worth while and that I can look at with the utmost pride and say "Yeah, thats mine."

With that in mind, I decided last spring that a good project for me would be a Rhetorical Criticism of Martin Luther's 95 Thesis' that he nailed to the huge wooden door of the Catholic Church. Viva La Revolucion! I checked out 18 books on Luther, Medieval Religion, The Papacy, etc. when I left Mt. Pleasant in May.
A bit ass-backwards, I e-mailed my rhetoric professor in June and asked him what he thought of my proposal. Here is the reply I received:

Hi Katey! I'm not sure I'm the best person for this project. I don't speak German, not well versed in the history, and I'm not clear on how you'd go about doing this project. It seems like a large project. Do you have a theoretical perspective you'd like to bring to bear on the act of defying the authority of the church? Is there some reason you don't want to followthrough on the 750 project?

F!

Alright. Well, this could be a blessing in disguise. My 750 project I really enjoyed writing, and since this Fall is going to be so incredibly busy with 4 classes on top of teaching 2 courses, maybe this is best. It's kind of the easy way out, which makes me cringe a bit, but my Prospectus is basically done, so I could defend that in the early winter and have an extremely easy Spring semester just preparing to defend my finely tuned and finished Thesis. Hmm...

Now if I go get my PhD, I want to do my dissertation on Communication with Alzheimer's Patients. A Rhetorical Criticism isn't going to look too hot to admissions in a highly qualitative and quantitative area of study. DAMNIT! Back to the drawing board...

Or maybe not. I took quant. research in the Spring. I said I was done with studying death, but maybe I don't have to be. This could work out swimmingly, and here is why:

I took 601. I have to take 600 this Fall. It would be who of me to use the same project to keep stress to a minimum. I've already done the actual research and put together the survey for this study. 600 just teaches me how to write an extremely long Literature Review. That means, I expand on the shorter lit review I've already got finished, I have my prospectus done, and I have 1 less paper to write for a class. Basically, I'm using 600 like a whore and writing my Thesis for it instead of picking another topic and starting all over.

And here is why I win. The study I conducted last spring for 601 entitled "The Influence of a Family Death on College Achievement", this study yielded significant statistics that death was paralyzing to students and their perceived academic success dropped post death, however, they felt that with social support, they were enabled to recover more quickly and the grieving process was more bareable. Therefore, if I decide to do this as my Thesis [which I more than likely will now], I might have a higher chance of getting it published in a journal, and then my chances of getting into a PhD program go up with each published article.

In conclusion, what I thought was a huge let down has now become an advantage to me.

I win! Why do you win? Cause I win.

...Now The Clouds Are Gone, All Your Tomorrows Shine.

I Want Power In My Words, I Want Passion In My Eyes...

This summer has been without a doubt the most fulfilling, exciting, adventuresome, and life changing experience I've ever had.

So lets skim the surface and start at the beginning.

I finished my first semester of grad school successfully capturing a 3.5+ GPA.

I went to the Colin Hay concert with a handful of friends and family.
I traveled to Scotland to visit a lovely friend in school at a very prestigious university. I traversed the land, I utilized the public transportation system, I imbibed native libations and foods, I no longer have my right index finder due to excessive shutter button pushing, I took in the countryside, I experienced history, I made some great friends, I won a bet for my mother, and then got home and sat around and was mute for 3 weeks because of the whirlwind that was my extended 10 day adventure in Aberdeen, Scotland. It changed me. I will never be the same. I have seen that there is better, in EVERY aspect of my life, and I know that not only do I deserve that better, but I could have it if I quit settling. My only fear is that, that better that I speak of, will never be found in the USofA.

I helped my sibling and mother set up and run the Grace Lutheran Church Vacation Bible School. We did a lot of decorating, planning, directing, assisting, telling, painting, running, picture taking, and cleaning. An exhausting week+ to say the least. And its supposed to be all worth it in the end, because we did such a great thing for community outreach. Still trying to accomplish that feeling. I also lost my work sunglasses somehow on 'sunglasses day'. Still haven't found them. [sad panda]

I've spent weekends traveling all over Michigan. I spent 'Dillywacker Weekend' [if you want to know what that means, inquire] on The Muskegon River at the Little Red Cottage with my mom, sister, and aunt. I lost my other pair of sunglasses to the Muskegon River as I reared my head back on the dock and they slid off the back of my skull. Again, [sad panda].

I braved a tumultuous thunder storm that flooded the pavement of 131 [which is absolutely ridiculous if you think about it] that I was sure would be the end of me to catch the last Shepler's Ferry Boat to Mackinac Island. I made the boat with a mere 5 minutes to spare because it took me a good 45 minutes to get out of the Grand Rapids area. I spent Wednesday night, Thursday, and a good portion of Friday with my good friend Melissa and her lovely husband Doc. We drank. We boated around the Island on "The Copper Kettle". We got stranded in the St. Ignace Harbor for an hour. We got back and drank some more. We spent the 4th of July at Fort Mackinac [seemingly appropriate]. I left that afternoon and stopped at The Little Red Cottage on the Muskegon River for dinner with the Auntie and Uncle. I spent the 4th of July evening festivities in my bed as I had to be up at the ass crack of dawn to work.

I ventured up to Silver Lake to spend the weekend at the Eberlein Cottage with the DenBraber's and the Boot's. We duned. We duned a lot. It took me 3 days to get all of the sand out of every nook and crannie in my body/hair. We played card games. We went Antiquing at the Antique Mall! I won on my purchase. I picked up 4 books, 1 Scottish medallion, but best of all, I found a foot locker from WWII that was in amazing condition for only $25. And then we duned some more.

I caught an E. Lansing production of 'Wicked'. And it was WICKED awesome! A bit off from the book, as I expected it to be, and the sugar coated ending gave me a tooth ache, but whatever. All in all, hilarious, touching, moving, and fabulous. Indeed.
I got to enjoy the company of an ex-boyfriend/great friend for a few days as he was home from LA to go to the Foo Fighters concert... which rocked my fricken face off!
I went to Chicago for a Cubs game and spent the rest of the weekend relaxing in Evanston at Northwest University.

I played in a slowpitch softball league every Friday night with some of my best friends from high school. I had fallen out of touch with them, and this league was just what I needed this summer. I rekindled my friendships, and, without a doubt, they have been rekindled for good. I can't imagine not hanging out with them for years at a time like it has been. These are good people. I most thoroughly enjoy their company. They're my mates.

And now? Now I enjoy my last two weeks here at home with my family. I didn't do anything on my thesis [even though there is good reason... which will be the subject of my next post], I've decided that I will be pursuing my PhD as soon as I take the GRE on September 11th, and after I've received my results and sent in all of my applications.

Plans for my last two weeks include:
Week1:
Wednesday: Mt. Pleasant to get my room and office put in order.
Thursday: Picnic Pops presents ABBA in downtown GR.
Friday: Day on Lake 16 with the sibling and softball in the evening
Week2:

Monday: Dentist
Tuesday: Sibling takes a sick day and we head to Michigan's Adventure for some rollercoaster fun!
Haircut definately at some point.
Friday: Softball
Sunday: Move to Mt. Pleasant for the year.



... And When I Wake Up, I Want Life To Be A Surprise.

So Here Is The Deal...

I apparently am an idiot. I started this grad school blog to document the horrors that are graduate learning and education. I learned so much that I forgot my username and password to that last blog... so I copy and pasted the entire thing onto this new one for your enjoyment.

Also, if you noticed, this one is laid out exactly the same. Same titles, names, format, etc. I do this in the hopes that you can more thoroughly enjoy the adventures of Miss KFP with as little confusion as possible.

So without further delay...

March 18, 2008 - Get the Message. On Flea's Fist.

Wow... its been quite a while. I will write more to catch up later, but right now, there is a momentous occasion I must write about.

My sister came up on Saturday to celebrate St. Patty's Day, and as we were going home Sunday morning after hanging out with a few of the grad crew, my sister said something about having turned in my assistantship application. I informed her that I had turned mine in back in November, but that I would check just to make sure (even though the applications had been due the day before). I e-mailed Dr. Lesley Withers on Sunday afternoon, making sure that they still had my application on file for consideration. I received an e-mail on Monday from Lesley saying that they did not have an application from me. All they had were two letters of recommendation and my grad school application.

My heart stopped beating. No joke.

I e-mailed her back and told her that I had sent it in the same time I had sent my school application in, back in October. That we had talked about not starting the assistantship in the middle of the year when I had a meeting with her in November, and that if I had to resubmit my application I would be notified. I also asked if I was SOL, [in no uncertain terms].

She e-mailed me back immediately telling me that she kind of remembered seeing my application. She said that there had been some clerical cleaning and it was probably discarded in the trash receptacle. [kind of upset... to say the least]. She then told me that she would give me the benefit of the doubt and asked me to fill out another application so that they had it on file. She also asked for my phone number so that she could call me later that afternoon.

I got out of class at 9:30 and had two voicemails. My sister called. The next voicemail was Lesley Withers informing me that I had been chosen to be a Graduate Assistant for the 2008-2009 school year!

YAY! So, may I present to you, the newest member of the Graduate School of Communication Graduate Assistant!

Yay! Free school and $10,000. Exciting!

Feb. 17, 2008 - Its Times Like These You Learn to Live Again

What a great weekend I had in Houghton. I got to see my best friend. I got to be in the place I love the most on this planet. It was amazing.

We had dinner at the Ambassador, we saw stage review, we walked around and looked at the snow sculptures, we went to a party at the "White Trash Palace", we stayed up til 4 AM, we saw Colin Mockery and ___ Bradshaw's improv show, we went snowshoeing, we made fabulous food, we got all dressed up and went to a formal dance, I put my phone number in the tip jar for a cute bartender, we got stranded because of blowing snow, we went to the Ambassador again for dinner, we did homework, we watched Cars, and we made a six hour trek from Houghton to the Bridge. It was an amazing weekend.

I just wish all of that amazing weekend could overshadow the heartache I have.

I am so broken.

The man I was planning on spending the rest of my life with won't grow up. And I can't wait around for him, because I feel it would be in vain. This is the second time that things have ended, and this time the pain is ten fold. The first time there was still a glimmer of hope. This time, there isn't. This is it. For good. No more chances.


It's killing me.

Feb. 1, 2008 - Grad School is the snooze button on the alarm clock that is life.

Three weeks have since passed of my last entry. I was going to try and do a recap of every week, and like most other things I try to commit to, I have failed. But here goes anyway.

Week 2:
Got out of my rhetoric class and felt like I had no freaking idea what I was doing in grad school. No tornado's this week.
It seems like org comm and quant were pretty standard classes. nothing too exciting there.

I sat down with Lisa Patterson (my org comm prof and my new boss) to talk about what the job she wants me to do would entail. We talk about it on Tuesday night before class and then on Wednesday morning we walk over to another building together to get my payroll account set up with another lady. The previous night in class she went on and on about how excited she was that she was getting married this summer... cool beans, I think thats a good topic of conversation to lull the silence.

I was wrong apparently. I asked her about this being her last semester at CMU and she said she was bummed about it and was really going to miss it. So I tried to talk about the positive side of it and said something to the extent of "but you're getting married, thats exciting!" (figuring that this was her mindset about it from the night before). She proceeded to reply with something like, "Yeah, I guess."

Alright... ?

We got to the other building and had to go up three flights of stairs. Got to the top (both breathing a bit harder than before) and found a note on the lady's door that said she was back on the first floor and to meet her there. Lisa said, well I wish there would have been a note on the door on the first floor so we didn't have to walk up all of these stairs. So I counter (being optimistic... which I NEVER am) with, well, just think, we got our exercise in for the day. Her: Whatever.

Okay... ?

Get downstairs and I'm filling out the paper work this lady gives me and her and Lisa are talking and Lisa says something about having to go up all of those flights of stairs, but (smiling) she's glad she got some exercise in.

WTF!

Well... thats the end of the school week for me. I was going to leave Thursday for the Soo but ended up waiting for my mom til Friday afternoon so that she didn't have to drive alone. I was a very very unhappy panda about that. Not only did I miss out on an extra day of seeing my friends, I didn't get to see any of the people that I wanted to. It wasn't a great weekend. The only good thing was that I made $100 modeling (which was kinda lame this year), I got to see Eric for a bit, and EC for the first time since she left, and spend some time with my mom.

When I got back I knew that I had a lot of reading to do and I had a paper for rhetoric due on Monday and my reading response paper due on Tuesday. So I spent Sunday night working on homework.


Week 3:
So Monday I think that I've got a proposal due for Rhetoric at 5 and a response paper due on Tuesday morning for Org Comm. Didn't realize until I checked the syllabus online that my RESEARCH PROPOSAL FOR QUANTITATIVE RESEARCH IS DUE ON WEDNESDAY!!! Fuck man. I am fucked. I haven't even picked a narrowed topic yet much less researched any of it. So I've got 3 papers to write in 3 days. I feel screwed though. I get my rhetoric paper and my org comm paper done and turned in on time. I spend an hour at the library on Tuesday (which didn't open until noon because of a snow delay... OF COURSE!) and rent about 6 books. Start reading and taking notes for the rest of the day. Go to class. After class ask Melissa and John if they can help me... I have no idea how to even begin writing this thing. In the duration of that afternoon I cry for about 45 minutes out of sheer desolation and hopelessness. I call my professor (not crying but voice cracking) and leave her a voicemail that I am really unsure of how to even structure the paper and e-mail her with the same message. But back to John and Melissa... I throw questions out to them, they answer as best they can, and send me on my merry way. Not really that merry though. So, I stop at 7/11 and stock up on Mountain Dew, and 3 energy drinks (in preparation for an all-nighter). Get back to my room. Take a few minutes to fuel up with food and libation, and then go to my room and begin writing stuff down. Midnight rolls around and I've got almost half of it done. An hour, I can't believe I got half of it done in an hours time. Sweet... I'm going to bed. Get up at 8, have breakfast, read a little bit more, start writing again and I've got the thing basically all done by 11:30 AM. Yeah, I'm that awesome. Type it up, have John print it out for me at school, and whammy... I've finished my first research proposal paper in 3.5 hours. Whatever. I got it done. It's over with, I don't care anymore. I hate grad school. It hates me. I don't belong here.

After class on Wednesday night, because its been such a stressful week, I talk John and Melissa into going to La Senorita's (from now on referred to as "La's") and then ask Courtney to go and she says that she's already planning on it because its her Birthday!!! YAY! So we get there, I meet a few other people. So its Courtney, Chelsea, Chad, Erin, Melissa, John, and I. We're sitting there for a few minutes and I say "so, will you guys be my friends?" They all laugh and say of course! So yay, I have friends now. Courtney invites me to her party on Saturday at some club. I tell her of course! (We didn't end up going though because of the time when we got out of the movie theater- but that comes later). But it was exciting for me to be social for a few hours and to meet some people. It made me really happy. "I like the sun Noobie, it gave me hope." -Coxism

I head home Thursday to get my bite-splint fitted. Stay the night. Played volleyball for my sibling's team that evening. Went out afterwords and had some drinks with my old volleyball coach, who just had knee surgery... crazy story about her, can't believe it. If interested in it, please ask. I don't feel like typing it, but here is the gist. She's a cop, was on a domestic violence call, and basically almost got run down and killed by the guy. Anyways, saw Bryan for a few on Friday morning then hit the road to get back here. Studied all day, Eric got here around 11 on Friday night. We watched the Simpson's movie then went to bed. Got up, went and had breakfast, watched Daniel Tosh on a DVD, took a nap for a while, took showers, went and had dinner at O'Kelley's (delicious). Proceeded to the Bovee Center where the box office is to get tickets for the myth buster's show (which was the whole reason he came down here in the first place) to not only find that the thing isn't open on the weekends, but also a note on the door saying the show is all sold out. Wow... cried my eyes out. I felt like such a shithead. I was so irresponsible that I didn't buy tickets in advance. I can't believe I'm such an ass hole. I'm in grad school, I should know better. So we went and saw Juno at the theater, then rented 3 movies and watched 2 of them. Got up, had McDonald's for breakfast (real classy, I know) then Eric left and I made outlines of essays for the rest of the day.

Week 4:
Just finished up week 4... well finishing I should say. I'm getting things done for the most part. I got my rhetoric proposal paper back on Monday and got a 48/50 on it. Quite pleased with that, and surprised too. I rocked that shit, but I wish I knew why it rocked so that I could keep on rocking. I started my job on Wednesday. She gave me some transcriptions to do and I had to find rooms for training sessions on Monday and Tuesday. Got the rooms taken care of, and I finished the first transcription yesterday. After watching for a while and going back and forth in my head if it was her or not, I realized that Kate Dinnocenzo (a girl that used to go to Lake State) was in the focus group. Craziness. Of all of the people here that I don't know to be in a focus group that I'm transcribing and then have her in it is pretty, well, weird. whatever. We watched Jesus Camp in Org Comm on Tuesday... kinda of creepy to say the least. Wednesday during our break, I gave my prof a semi-hug and thanked her for having the only class I really felt like I understood what it was actually about. She smiled and then reassured me that everyone feels like this in grad school and that I've got kind of a double whammy because I'm starting mid-year. So kudos to me. And then she handed me the forms to join Lambda Pi Eta... the greek Communication honors society. SWEET! $40 bucks gets you membership forever and an induction ceremony/dinner in the spring. yay.

Melissa had her gall bladder out yesterday in Petoskey, so I'm hoping that I get to go see her today and give her the little present I got for her. Supposed to go over there and spend SuperBowl at her house so that she doesn't have to be alone. Courtney is supposed to come too. Hopefully its not too lame. But I'm sort of fond of lame... so I guess I'll be alright if it is.

So, now, I'm reading and working on trying to find more sources for my research paper. The final draft of the proposal is due on Wednesday, so I've got to make my changes and add more sources and I'm golden. I'm also trying to get a big jump on my rhetorical paper that is due on the 11th because I won't have much time to do it next week... but I will save those adventures for my next update.

I'm feeling better than I did before.

Jan. 12, 2008 - The Tornado Siren Sounds...

So, I've got my first week of Graduate school over with. And it is probably one of the most memorable starts ever to say the least.
I had my first class with Dr. Ed Hinck for Rhetorical Criticism. Things started with ten minutes to write a 1 to 2 minute speech on "Why I'm a Good Graduate Student." I wasn't able to answer this with any support to my claims. I wrote about my work ethic, my desire to learn, and my high expectations of myself. Then we had to trade papers with the person next to us. I handed mine to 'Justin' and he had 3 bullets. There was no speech, but his 3 bullets were focused on the support system and the resources he had in his peers and professors... not himself. I felt like an asshole after I looked at his outline. How selfish am I? Then we ended up giving our speeches. I made people laugh, which was a good thing I suppose. I know that I should be confident in myself, but I just felt like a vain, narcissistic bitch. We finished with speeches, and Ed went into going over our 25 page paper for the semester.
Then the hail started. And then the siren went off. We all looked at each other. Everyone with a bit of panic in their eyes. We all looked at Ed who sat there for a minute. Then told us we were going to keep going with what we were doing.
We got out of class (and avoided being buried under a pile of rubble or swept into the air) and it was just pouring. Started driving through campus on West Campus Dr. back to Broomfield and came to a rather large puddle. Didn't realize that that puddle was actually a small lake. I was nervous after I got into the middle of it that I might not be getting out of it with my little car. But I did.
Got back to my apartment and my roomie Laurie was putting towels on the windowsills. They were leaking quite profusely and running down the walls. Hmmm...
Stayed up for a while looking through speeches for my rhetoric paper.

Tuesday started very very slowly. Woke up around 10. Got out of bed a little after 11. Decided to finally go grocery shopping around 1145. Had 3 voicemails when I got out of there. My dad called and told me that the news said school was canceled. Melissa called and told me that lightening hit a transformer and school was out of power. So no class my second day. A bit bummed actually. Maybe later in the semester I would have been able to enjoy it, but not knowing anyone there made for a very very very lonely day. Spent most of it in my room by myself... feeling isolated, lonely, and a bit depressed. Didn't have my first Advanced Organizational Communication class with Dr. Lisa Patterson.

Wednesday I got up early. Actually did some productive stuff. Got a parking pass. Went tanning (cause our apartment complex offers free tanning in the leasing office, and my apartment happens to be right next door to the leasing office.). Met with Lisa Patterson about a position helping with one of her research projects. And then I had my third class. Quantitative Research with Dr. Lesley Withers. That was the first time all week that I felt overwhelmed. I didn't understand a single thing that was being talked about or the research things that I felt everyone else already had some understanding of. Then she went around the room and asked for us to tell her what we were planning on doing our research on. I was the only one who didn't know. Everyone in there had had COM 600... except for me. So COM 601 is going to be a bit more of a struggle for me than for everyone else. Seems like a reoccurring theme.

I came home Thursday morning. Dentist appointment at 11:30. Came home for a while. Went to drop my car off to have it looked at. Went back to the dentist to have my impressions redone (they broke my front teeth off of the first batch). Then my mother and I went to the hospital for the afternoon to be with my sister. She has been sick for a while now. She thought that her throwing up was due to her over eating and was really embarrassed. Then after getting sick on the plane home from Florida. Then spending all night Monday night up puking, and all night Wednesday night up puking, she was admitted to the hospital for gal stones. She had her gal bladder taken out on Friday. So the past two days I've spent at the hospital for the majority of the time.

I saw Margaret, Claude, and Matt last night for the first time in years. It's amazing how your best friends from high school can so quickly fall out of your life. But it was nice to see them.

And now today; today I've spent mostly reading. I'm starting to feel the pressure of grad school and the time constraints I'm dealing with. I opened my book last night to read chapter one of Rhetoric and found that chapter 1 is 137 pages of "The Purpose of Rhetoric". So now that I'm on page 35...

yeah.

Jan. 2, 2008 - Out Of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire.

My grad school orientation is tomorrow morning at 8:30 AM in Mt. Pleasant. I didn't even find that out until this morning. I have no place to live yet. I just signed up for 2 of 3 classes this evening and class starts in 5 days. The planning for this huge transition in my life has been, needless to say, quite absent. I hate not having a plan. It hurts me to not have a plan. In fact... the last 3 months of my life (concerning grad school) have been all to hell in a hand basket.

I know that things happened to my advantage and I know I got really lucky to have been accepted into the program so quickly. But the chaos, uncertainty, questions, and lack of communication (hmm... a bit odd right? should this be a HUGE siren going off?) have done wonders to my stress levels (on top of just trying to graduate from undergrad).

So here I sit... only 6.5 hours from departure, and I am sick to my stomach. Not cause I'm sick and not because I'm hungover from New Years still, but because this is what I do to myself. I make myself sick when I get stressed. I can't eat. I'm on the verge of crying, all of the time. But that is a combination of things.

I'm sad that I didn't get to mourn/celebrate graduation from undergrad. I got home and had a whirlwind week of Christmas festivities and sibling birthday celebration. And this last week has been spent searching for a place to stay, spending a day in Fremont, and figuring out what the hell orientation was going to happen and where. I got my grades back for my final semester and I had my best grades ever. I graduated with honors. These are huge things! I am DONE with school. If I wasn't continuing I would be done forever right now. Its sad. Its exciting. It is so emotionally tagged and I don't get to experience it. Yeah, I know that I'm done. But instead of reveling in the fact that I'm all done, I'm worried about not having anywhere to live. I'm worried about not having any classes yet. I'm worried that I might not have a job lined up with the comm department. I'm worried about my entire life's savings is going to be gone in a few days. I can't even be excited about starting school at Central because there is too much to be worried about.

It's down to the last minute and I'm really starting to feel the weight. My heart is going to explode if my stomach doesn't eat itself first.

Here's to higher education...