With Some Good Red Wine and My Brand New Shoes...

Hardcore came and visited me on Thursday evening and we spent the night at the Cabin drinking and singing karaoke with a handful of my fellow GTA's. We had lunch on Friday at the Pixie (cause you can't come to Mt. Pleasant and not have the Pixie) and then he left to go up to the Sault. Chelsea, Katie and I headed to Midland after he left to go shopping at the mall (I was in need of a purple bra for the monologues, a short sleeved white turtleneck for myself, and anything else that might happen to catch my eye...). We had a lovely afternoon and I was very excited at the prospects of a nap as we were driving back to Mt. Pleasant. We got home and, of course, I checked my facebook, e-mail, etc., all of the important stuff. ha. As I was perusing my cmich e-mail account I saw one that had "OSU School of Communication" in the subect title. The first thing that came to mind was that it was a confirmation e-mail that they had received (or had not received) all of my materials for application. I opened it and began reading:

Hi Katie,

I'm Chip Eveland, the Director of Graduate Studies for the School of Communication at OSU. That means that I chair the graduate admissions committee for the School. I'm writing to let you know that we've had the opportunity to review your file, and we are excited about the prospects of you joining our PhD program come the fall. You will receive a formal (and form) letter from us early next week informing you not only of your admission, but also of the graduate assistantship funding package that we will be offering you. You'll also be hearing from me again soon to see if you will be able to join us on April 2nd and 3rd for our Visitation Day, in which we will have an opportunity for you to meet our faculty and graduate students, as well as tour our campus and research facilities. This is an important opportunity for you to come and discuss your interests with our faculty and make sure that your interests and goals fit well with the nature of our program and our faculty. We can put you up in a hotel the evening of April 2, and will cover dinner that night plus breakfast and lunch on Friday. We can also help support your travel here through reimbursement.Anyhow, I wanted to write specifically to answer any initial questions you may have about our program, the funding offer, or the Visitation Day. I look forward to talking with you soon...chip--
Dr. William "Chip" Eveland
Professor of Communication and Political Science
Director of Graduate Studies, School of Communication
3139 Derby Hall
Columbus, OH


Needless to say, I had to re-read the 3rd through 6th line a few times before I comprehended (and I'm still not sure that I do) what it said. I ran out into the living room where Chelsea sat on the couch and showed it to her. I was speechless, she didn't say much either, but I think that was just a lack of caring. She told me congrats and I ran back to my room with my laptop. I called my parents. My dad answered, I told him that he needed to go find mom and put it on speaker phone. He said she was asleep and I told him that he needed to wake her up, that she'd want to be woken up for this. I told them then. My mom hadn't heard it all completely, so I had only told my Dad, he said way to go, or something like that, but with less enthusiasm than I was expecting. Such is my father. He handed the phone to my mom and I told her the same news, reading her the first portion of the e-mail. Hers was the response I was waiting for. She was very excited for me and so proud. I could hear it in her voice. I spoke with her for a few minutes and then told her that I wanted to call Kerry. I hung up and pressed "3" and then send. It rang and rang and went to voicemail! How could she not answer!!! I left her an urgent voicemail telling her to call me back immediately! I waited 3 minutes and tried again. It seemed like an eternity having to wait a few minutes to call her back. Again, the phone rang and went to voicemail. I left her another message, more impatient than the first. She finally called me back and I about exploded. My sister finally got the entire response I was looking for. She mimicked my intensity and excitement, just like I knew she would! We talked for a while and then I finally got off the phone with her. I then started calling other family and friends. I mostly left voicemails for people.

I still can't believe it. Ohio State University. The one school that posted an actual GRE score expectation (that I was under by 70 points) and they're the school to accept me in 2 weeks. The application that wasn't due until Jan. 15th, and here they are, sending me an e-mail accepting me into their program on the 30th. Ohio State, the one program that I was applying to just for shits and giggles, that I never in a million years dreamed would even look at my application after they saw my GRE score. Crazy how life works.

I'm shocked. I'm in awe. I'm reeling from the idea that no matter what happens now, even if I get into the other 4 programs, or if I don't, I still can get my PhD, and at one of the more prestigious schools I applied to. I still don't feel like this is real. I feel like this is all just a dream. I know that I've put in the time and the effort to get to this point, but I never actually thought this would happen. Even Friday, right before I got the e-mail, I still would have told you it would be a miracle to be accepted by just one of the programs. I honestly wasn't expecting to get in anywhere. I don't know why, but after what happened with Pete last year, I thought that it was a long shot in hell for me to get into a PhD program.

But here I am, a prospective Buckeye. I'm still in disbelief.



... Gonna Dance A Blue Streak Around The Living Room

Oh, You Can't Get To Heaven On Rollerskates...

Okay, so lets start over again. I'm going to try to keep the pity party to a minimum, since I'm trying to keep the pity party in my life to a minimum. Frankly, I've got a lot of great things going for me, and I'm not sure why I'm so low in self confidence. But, I'm trying to change this.

So, almost two months ago I found a lump in my breast while I was working out. Finally went and had it looked at last week. It's always a joy when you have 3 complete strangers feeling your boob in the course of 30 minutes. But, as of right now, they don't seem to think that there is anything out of the ordinary. But, they still have to review my films and make sure. It's a big weight off my shoulders to say the least.

I've applied to 3 out of 5 PhD programs so far at this point. My last two should be going out either tomorrow or Wednesday. I've spent an arm and a leg on applications. I think I'm pushing $400 now with all of the fees and mailing costs. You're killing me smalls, you're killing me.

I gave the first draft of my thesis to Wendy two weeks before the semester ended. I still haven't gotten anything back from her, and I'm about to scream. 2 months is a little ridiculous. The thing is only 24 pages long, I mean honestly.

We just had our first practice in a month for the monologues yesterday. I think its going to be pretty good. I'm excited about my part. I like it. Because my vagina, well, it wants everything.

Still haven't heard back yet about the job at Northern. I'm not sure if I even stand a chance... and this waiting has made my hopes diminish. Oh well. We'll just wait and see. The next month or two could be quite interesting in determining what my future holds.

My parent's 35th Anniversary is coming up in May, and my sister wants to put a memory book together for them. So I found a few old pictures down in the basement and brought them up here with me. I scanned them in and used my cool new photo editing software I got for Christmas to try and touch them up a bit since they're all yellowed and aged. Cause, well, the 70's was a really long time ago.

Before

After

And one of me as a wee tike [even though I was never very wee] for your enjoyment

... Cause You'll Roll Right Past.

I've Got The Same Old Heart...

Things have to change.

I'm tired of people constantly calling me a bitch. Especially when I don't feel like I was a bitch EVER to those people. If not letting people walk all over me and calling people out when they're screwing me over means I'm a bitch, then so be it. However, I know that I'm mean, and cynical, and sarcastic quite a bit too. I hit people a lot, and I've finally noticed how violent I am.

I had dinner with a long lost friend last night and when she asked me how I was, I surprised myself with my answer. I'm okay. I'm unhappy and unsatisfied, but I'm alright. And there it is.

I'm alive. I'm healthy. I'm doing extravagantly in school. But I'm extremely unsatisfied with my life. And the sad part is, I don't know what would make me happy. For instance, I was extremely upset that I got an A- this semester. And in the one class I thought I for sure would have an A in. I got 3 A's and an A-. I got a 3.92 for the semester and an overall grad school GPA of a 3.75 and I'm upset about it. I'm not satisfied with that GPA, because it isn't a 4.0. I worked my ass off this semester, and I really thought that I had a shot at a 4.0 for the first time since I think middle school. And I was so close, but I didn't get it. And instead of being happy that I still did awesome anyway, I'm pissed because it wasn't perfect. I have issues apparently.
I'd like to think that having someone in my life might make me happy, but I really don't want to have to rely on someone else to fulfill that for me. I think I'm jaded. I think I've been surrounded by so many negative people for so long that I don't know anything different. But then there is the argument of Locus of control, so who knows what the truth is.

All I know is that I need an overhaul. I need something different. I need a new perspective. I have no idea how I'm going to get there, but something has to change.


...With A Brand New Beat.

I Believe I Can See The Future...

I remember now why I do not enjoy being home. I AM BORED OFF MY ASS!!!! It is so ridiculously hard for me to go from not having time to sleep to having nothing to do but watch tv and sleep. I hate this crap. I have some books to read, and I have applications to fill out for PhD programs, and I have Christmas shopping to do... but its like as soon as I get to my parents house, the lazy button is switched to high. I actually cooked chili and baked beer bread tonight... me and the kitchen are not friends, but there I was, all domesticated and what not. Rar.

A student e-mailed me and said it was my fault that he didn't drop my class because I said he had a chance of passing if he started showing up and did really well on the rest of the things in class. Well, he did start showing up, but he did alright on the rest of the assignments, and low and behold, he earned an F for the class, and now he might get kicked out of University. And I almost replied, well, you should have shown up for class and given your speech when you were supposed to and you wouldn't be in this predicament. But I didn't.

And then, dumbass Eric decided that I am a bitch for not magically knowing that his great gramma died a few days ago. Apparently I have to check his facebook profile to know whats going on in his life, and if I don't... well then I'm the bad guy.

I fucking hate people. And apparently they all hate me too. FUCK!





...Cause I Repeat The Same Routine.

The Greatest Thing That You Can Ever Learn...

I had a great morning for some reason. I couldn't tell you why I was in such a good mood, I just was. No one at church recognized who I was. They told me they were asking each other during the service who the "Cute new girl was". So I got a lot of compliments on my hair, and a lot of people talked to me. But I was in a decently good mood long before then.

Anyways...

I just went and saw Twilight because it was the $3 movie here in MP. I would have never EVER gone to see it otherwise. But it evoked some feelings in me that I've kept hidden for quite a while. I've come to accept over the past few years that love is all about being real. There is no magic, there is work. A lot of work, and its not going to be as fantastic as we are taught to believe as children. It's painful and its tough. And I buried all of those hopes and dreams of "The One" and I thought they were gone. I was a realist. I was rational. And then Twilight happened to me. I know that the movie is just another great love story... but it seemed different for some reason. All of the hokey romantic comedies make me want to barf. They are a dime a dozen and they're all the same... totally unbelievable.

Ha. Unbelievable. I talk about people who could be real characters as unbelievable and then I watch a movie about a vampire and say its more believable...

Anyway, it melted me. All of those years of hardening... gone. I want the magic. I want the One. And I think I have to believe he's out there. I've told myself for quite a while now that I'm okay with being alone... more time to work and study and write. But I want more than that. I want to love someone and be loved so deeply that it hurts.

I want it all.

Here's the clincher... boy-o called me as soon as the movie was finished. Like literally stood up from my seat in the theater and saw that I had a missed call... he had called within the past 30 seconds.

So... then there's the permagrin.



... Is Just To Love, And Be Loved In Return.

Survived The Plague, Floated The Flood, Just Peaked our Heads Above The Mud...

Hell.

This semester was hell.

And I'm honestly not sure how I made it through.

But it is over. And the weight I thought I would feel be lifted off my shoulders never happened. I never felt that sigh of relief once everything was done. And that made me very sad. I was expecting some grand feeling, and it was extremely anti-climactic. Since Thanksgiving I wrote 5 papers (a total of about 70 pages) took 3 finals, and graded about 30 outlines. Two weeks for all of that. And in 48 hours time (From Monday at about 10PM until Wednesday at around 5PM I wrote 28 of those pages and took 2 of those exams). And it definately wasn't because I waited and procrastinated and screwed around until the very last minute. Nope, just had to do the projects in order of due date, and it left me writing papers the day they were due. I do not suggest EVER taking 4 grad classes and teaching two classes simultaneously. It will drive you into the ground and cut you off from the rest of humanity. However... I get to coast (at least in comparison) this last semester. So yay.

So, this boy, we'll call him Bo, who showed interest in me before my birthday, and then as soon as my birthday came around went into social hiding, well he came out of his shell this past week. And was flirting with me hardcore right before our final on Tuesday and then again at the bar afterwards. And when he was supposed to come out Thursday (and didn't show up, Thank God! cause I was obliterated and acting like a damned fool) I decided that it was my duty as a dumb drunkard to call him as many times as possible to see where the hell he was.

[the great thing about this photo is that A) we're singing "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" and B) I didn't remember even doing this until the photo was tagged on Facebook... a full bottle of Riesling and 2 concoctions of whatever Darrel was making. Notice nice $140 BCBG lowcut blouse with back zipper access]

Well, skipping all of the embarassing details of the night that I don't really remember, he never showed. And being a bit upset at this (since I had worn a lowcut shirt and done my hair and makeup all special (like a stupid girl)) I proceeded to put an away message up on AIM saying how stupid I felt and how I had gone to such lengths to impress a boy that never even showed up...

yeah, I'm an idiot, I know this. Well, of course I did that so he would see it, and of course, he did! And promptly left me a message asking if the message was in reference to him and if so he was extremely sorry...

So, of course, I was mortified when he called me the next day and I tried to apologize. So yeah, I'm a bit nervous about said boy-o... I think he likes me, but I'm afraid he's bi-polar with the way he acted for about a month (okay, not literally bipolar... but honestly, who wants a guy who plays the hokey pokey?!).

So anyway, stupid boys aside... the semester was alright, it was a shit load of work, but I think its going to end up alright. I should be in the running for a 4.0. We'll see if I did as shitty on my finals as me thinks I possibly could have. Oh... and yes, I am on ratemyprofessor.com... have a look see!

http://www.ratemyprofessors.com/SelectTeacher.jsp?the_dept=Communication&sid=200&orderby=TLName&letter=P

... It's Not The End There Is More Show, We've Got About Fifteen Minutes To Go.

Anywhere I'm Gonna Lay My Head...

I am sending my resume out on Monday for a 3 year teaching appointment at Northern Michigan University. I want this job so badly. I don't think I'll get it, but I'm going to do my damnedest. Those 3 years would give me time to do some more research, get published, and look damn good on my resume for any other teaching job. I want it so badly. Keep your fingers crossed for me and send a prayer out to whatever God you know.


... I'm Gonna Call My Home.