I've Got The Same Old Heart...

Things have to change.

I'm tired of people constantly calling me a bitch. Especially when I don't feel like I was a bitch EVER to those people. If not letting people walk all over me and calling people out when they're screwing me over means I'm a bitch, then so be it. However, I know that I'm mean, and cynical, and sarcastic quite a bit too. I hit people a lot, and I've finally noticed how violent I am.

I had dinner with a long lost friend last night and when she asked me how I was, I surprised myself with my answer. I'm okay. I'm unhappy and unsatisfied, but I'm alright. And there it is.

I'm alive. I'm healthy. I'm doing extravagantly in school. But I'm extremely unsatisfied with my life. And the sad part is, I don't know what would make me happy. For instance, I was extremely upset that I got an A- this semester. And in the one class I thought I for sure would have an A in. I got 3 A's and an A-. I got a 3.92 for the semester and an overall grad school GPA of a 3.75 and I'm upset about it. I'm not satisfied with that GPA, because it isn't a 4.0. I worked my ass off this semester, and I really thought that I had a shot at a 4.0 for the first time since I think middle school. And I was so close, but I didn't get it. And instead of being happy that I still did awesome anyway, I'm pissed because it wasn't perfect. I have issues apparently.
I'd like to think that having someone in my life might make me happy, but I really don't want to have to rely on someone else to fulfill that for me. I think I'm jaded. I think I've been surrounded by so many negative people for so long that I don't know anything different. But then there is the argument of Locus of control, so who knows what the truth is.

All I know is that I need an overhaul. I need something different. I need a new perspective. I have no idea how I'm going to get there, but something has to change.


...With A Brand New Beat.

I Believe I Can See The Future...

I remember now why I do not enjoy being home. I AM BORED OFF MY ASS!!!! It is so ridiculously hard for me to go from not having time to sleep to having nothing to do but watch tv and sleep. I hate this crap. I have some books to read, and I have applications to fill out for PhD programs, and I have Christmas shopping to do... but its like as soon as I get to my parents house, the lazy button is switched to high. I actually cooked chili and baked beer bread tonight... me and the kitchen are not friends, but there I was, all domesticated and what not. Rar.

A student e-mailed me and said it was my fault that he didn't drop my class because I said he had a chance of passing if he started showing up and did really well on the rest of the things in class. Well, he did start showing up, but he did alright on the rest of the assignments, and low and behold, he earned an F for the class, and now he might get kicked out of University. And I almost replied, well, you should have shown up for class and given your speech when you were supposed to and you wouldn't be in this predicament. But I didn't.

And then, dumbass Eric decided that I am a bitch for not magically knowing that his great gramma died a few days ago. Apparently I have to check his facebook profile to know whats going on in his life, and if I don't... well then I'm the bad guy.

I fucking hate people. And apparently they all hate me too. FUCK!





...Cause I Repeat The Same Routine.

The Greatest Thing That You Can Ever Learn...

I had a great morning for some reason. I couldn't tell you why I was in such a good mood, I just was. No one at church recognized who I was. They told me they were asking each other during the service who the "Cute new girl was". So I got a lot of compliments on my hair, and a lot of people talked to me. But I was in a decently good mood long before then.

Anyways...

I just went and saw Twilight because it was the $3 movie here in MP. I would have never EVER gone to see it otherwise. But it evoked some feelings in me that I've kept hidden for quite a while. I've come to accept over the past few years that love is all about being real. There is no magic, there is work. A lot of work, and its not going to be as fantastic as we are taught to believe as children. It's painful and its tough. And I buried all of those hopes and dreams of "The One" and I thought they were gone. I was a realist. I was rational. And then Twilight happened to me. I know that the movie is just another great love story... but it seemed different for some reason. All of the hokey romantic comedies make me want to barf. They are a dime a dozen and they're all the same... totally unbelievable.

Ha. Unbelievable. I talk about people who could be real characters as unbelievable and then I watch a movie about a vampire and say its more believable...

Anyway, it melted me. All of those years of hardening... gone. I want the magic. I want the One. And I think I have to believe he's out there. I've told myself for quite a while now that I'm okay with being alone... more time to work and study and write. But I want more than that. I want to love someone and be loved so deeply that it hurts.

I want it all.

Here's the clincher... boy-o called me as soon as the movie was finished. Like literally stood up from my seat in the theater and saw that I had a missed call... he had called within the past 30 seconds.

So... then there's the permagrin.



... Is Just To Love, And Be Loved In Return.

Survived The Plague, Floated The Flood, Just Peaked our Heads Above The Mud...

Hell.

This semester was hell.

And I'm honestly not sure how I made it through.

But it is over. And the weight I thought I would feel be lifted off my shoulders never happened. I never felt that sigh of relief once everything was done. And that made me very sad. I was expecting some grand feeling, and it was extremely anti-climactic. Since Thanksgiving I wrote 5 papers (a total of about 70 pages) took 3 finals, and graded about 30 outlines. Two weeks for all of that. And in 48 hours time (From Monday at about 10PM until Wednesday at around 5PM I wrote 28 of those pages and took 2 of those exams). And it definately wasn't because I waited and procrastinated and screwed around until the very last minute. Nope, just had to do the projects in order of due date, and it left me writing papers the day they were due. I do not suggest EVER taking 4 grad classes and teaching two classes simultaneously. It will drive you into the ground and cut you off from the rest of humanity. However... I get to coast (at least in comparison) this last semester. So yay.

So, this boy, we'll call him Bo, who showed interest in me before my birthday, and then as soon as my birthday came around went into social hiding, well he came out of his shell this past week. And was flirting with me hardcore right before our final on Tuesday and then again at the bar afterwards. And when he was supposed to come out Thursday (and didn't show up, Thank God! cause I was obliterated and acting like a damned fool) I decided that it was my duty as a dumb drunkard to call him as many times as possible to see where the hell he was.

[the great thing about this photo is that A) we're singing "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" and B) I didn't remember even doing this until the photo was tagged on Facebook... a full bottle of Riesling and 2 concoctions of whatever Darrel was making. Notice nice $140 BCBG lowcut blouse with back zipper access]

Well, skipping all of the embarassing details of the night that I don't really remember, he never showed. And being a bit upset at this (since I had worn a lowcut shirt and done my hair and makeup all special (like a stupid girl)) I proceeded to put an away message up on AIM saying how stupid I felt and how I had gone to such lengths to impress a boy that never even showed up...

yeah, I'm an idiot, I know this. Well, of course I did that so he would see it, and of course, he did! And promptly left me a message asking if the message was in reference to him and if so he was extremely sorry...

So, of course, I was mortified when he called me the next day and I tried to apologize. So yeah, I'm a bit nervous about said boy-o... I think he likes me, but I'm afraid he's bi-polar with the way he acted for about a month (okay, not literally bipolar... but honestly, who wants a guy who plays the hokey pokey?!).

So anyway, stupid boys aside... the semester was alright, it was a shit load of work, but I think its going to end up alright. I should be in the running for a 4.0. We'll see if I did as shitty on my finals as me thinks I possibly could have. Oh... and yes, I am on ratemyprofessor.com... have a look see!

http://www.ratemyprofessors.com/SelectTeacher.jsp?the_dept=Communication&sid=200&orderby=TLName&letter=P

... It's Not The End There Is More Show, We've Got About Fifteen Minutes To Go.

Anywhere I'm Gonna Lay My Head...

I am sending my resume out on Monday for a 3 year teaching appointment at Northern Michigan University. I want this job so badly. I don't think I'll get it, but I'm going to do my damnedest. Those 3 years would give me time to do some more research, get published, and look damn good on my resume for any other teaching job. I want it so badly. Keep your fingers crossed for me and send a prayer out to whatever God you know.


... I'm Gonna Call My Home.

Life Can Be A Little Sweet...

So, since I last wrote, the proverbial shit has hit the fan. Or maybe shit really did hit the fan... either way.

I sat in the Bullpen and listened to Todd talk shit about me to Erin Jo who is our boss. I lost it. I e-mailed Wendy immediately after it happened, while I sat in the same room with the two of them and told her what was happening. I will be moving upstairs to the second year office (the office I was in last spring) by myself. It's one thing when people stop inviting you out for social events, but when you're sitting in your office trying to work and someone starts verbally attacking you to your boss, and then she doesn't say shit to him, well, frankly, thats bullshit. So I'm removing myself from the situation and going to isolate myself more than I already am. I'm okay with that for some reason. If you're going to be alone, you might as well not pretend like you're not.

I also went on a date with Sid. Sid is a regular at the Cabin on Thursday nights [we go karaoke every thursday night] and he asked me out a few weeks ago, so I figured why the hell not. I am in no remote sense physically attracted to Sid. He's a fun kid though. We had a good time. He took me to Red Lobster for dinner [I ended up with a chicken dish since I can't stomach seafood] and then we went and saw Role Models. Definately one of the funniest movies I've seen in a while. I suggest a viewing if you need a good laugh. I probably laughed for a good 20 minutes after we left the theater. It's pretty awesome. Oh, and get this... HE PAID FOR EVERYTHING! I don't think I've ever been on a date where the guy has paid for everything. I've been on a few dates where I'VE paid for everything, but never the guy. So kudos to him for that.

Shit hit the fan in my mind when I realized on Monday that I only had 3 weeks to finish my prospectus, not 4 like I thought. Well, fuck me.

I have about 60 pages of paper to write in 3-4 weeks time. [to break it up into units - I have one 25-30 page paper, one 8-10 page paper, one 10-12 page paper, and two 5-7 page papers.] Not to mention I have 3 exams to take in this time and 70 outlines to grade.
Life kinda hates me at the moment.

Except, I think I have a date tonight. Erin Bolen's UTA was at the Cabin last night and asked me if I was planning on seeing the new Bond movie Quantum of Solace. I replied that I didn't know. And he retorted that it was a yes or no question. He then told me to get ahold of him if I was interested in seeing it. So, since I am going to Birch Run tomorrow and then heading to GR for my father's birthday on Sunday, I told him I was available tonight. The kid is really cute... but he has a tendency to say really stupid shit. Apparently he is really smart, but he gets bored and does stupid things... I don't know how I feel about this. I have a tendency to get impatient with immaturity. I guess we'll just see how it plays out. Worse comes to worse, he starts getting verbal diarrhea, I'll just kiss him so he shuts up. I think thats an ongoing theme for me, can't understand you or you are socially awkward, I'll shut you up and then there won't be any talking. I think its a pretty good plan...

Oh, I am also an "Angry Vagina" in CMU's 2009 production of the Vagina Monologues, aka the Vaggie Tales. I have my first rehearsal tonight.

But, for now, back to reviewing the literature to write my prospectus. Nothing to bring a girls mood up like reading about death, grieving, and bereavement. SUPER!



...But Life Can Be A Little Shitty.

Witnessing and Being A Part of American History...

To preface this entry, I did not vote for Obama. I don't agree with his issues and I don't think he has enough experience to be our next president. However...


I was apathetic about this election as it came down to the last minute. I firmly and truly believe that whoever was named president was going to fuck something up. It just depended on which part of government or the well being of our country that was going to be screwed. And I still believe that. Neither candidate was well rounded or had enough requisite variety to govern completely, therefore, neither candidate was going to address all of the many major issues and illnesses that plague our country. And therefore, I see both candidates as wonting.

I am extremely concerned that the democratic party has taken both house and senate. That scares the shit out of me, honestly. I believe in a balance... and there is NO balance now. Honestly, I'm afraid of the implications of this.

However, I would like to also say that I am very interested in seeing what happens over the next four years. I am interested in seeing if all of the change actually takes place that has been promised...

...interlude...

Barack Obama is giving his speech right now... in Chicago... 100 miles away. History in the making... chills. My emotions are running... both at the gracious concession speech by McCain and the acceptance speech by Obama. Chills.


... okay, back to where I left off. We'll see what happens with national security and international relations under Obama's rule. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

But thank God we finally have someone in the presidency that is not a rich, white, male of privilege.


... Well, Here We Go.