I've Got The Same Old Heart...

Things have to change.

I'm tired of people constantly calling me a bitch. Especially when I don't feel like I was a bitch EVER to those people. If not letting people walk all over me and calling people out when they're screwing me over means I'm a bitch, then so be it. However, I know that I'm mean, and cynical, and sarcastic quite a bit too. I hit people a lot, and I've finally noticed how violent I am.

I had dinner with a long lost friend last night and when she asked me how I was, I surprised myself with my answer. I'm okay. I'm unhappy and unsatisfied, but I'm alright. And there it is.

I'm alive. I'm healthy. I'm doing extravagantly in school. But I'm extremely unsatisfied with my life. And the sad part is, I don't know what would make me happy. For instance, I was extremely upset that I got an A- this semester. And in the one class I thought I for sure would have an A in. I got 3 A's and an A-. I got a 3.92 for the semester and an overall grad school GPA of a 3.75 and I'm upset about it. I'm not satisfied with that GPA, because it isn't a 4.0. I worked my ass off this semester, and I really thought that I had a shot at a 4.0 for the first time since I think middle school. And I was so close, but I didn't get it. And instead of being happy that I still did awesome anyway, I'm pissed because it wasn't perfect. I have issues apparently.
I'd like to think that having someone in my life might make me happy, but I really don't want to have to rely on someone else to fulfill that for me. I think I'm jaded. I think I've been surrounded by so many negative people for so long that I don't know anything different. But then there is the argument of Locus of control, so who knows what the truth is.

All I know is that I need an overhaul. I need something different. I need a new perspective. I have no idea how I'm going to get there, but something has to change.


...With A Brand New Beat.

I Believe I Can See The Future...

I remember now why I do not enjoy being home. I AM BORED OFF MY ASS!!!! It is so ridiculously hard for me to go from not having time to sleep to having nothing to do but watch tv and sleep. I hate this crap. I have some books to read, and I have applications to fill out for PhD programs, and I have Christmas shopping to do... but its like as soon as I get to my parents house, the lazy button is switched to high. I actually cooked chili and baked beer bread tonight... me and the kitchen are not friends, but there I was, all domesticated and what not. Rar.

A student e-mailed me and said it was my fault that he didn't drop my class because I said he had a chance of passing if he started showing up and did really well on the rest of the things in class. Well, he did start showing up, but he did alright on the rest of the assignments, and low and behold, he earned an F for the class, and now he might get kicked out of University. And I almost replied, well, you should have shown up for class and given your speech when you were supposed to and you wouldn't be in this predicament. But I didn't.

And then, dumbass Eric decided that I am a bitch for not magically knowing that his great gramma died a few days ago. Apparently I have to check his facebook profile to know whats going on in his life, and if I don't... well then I'm the bad guy.

I fucking hate people. And apparently they all hate me too. FUCK!





...Cause I Repeat The Same Routine.

The Greatest Thing That You Can Ever Learn...

I had a great morning for some reason. I couldn't tell you why I was in such a good mood, I just was. No one at church recognized who I was. They told me they were asking each other during the service who the "Cute new girl was". So I got a lot of compliments on my hair, and a lot of people talked to me. But I was in a decently good mood long before then.

Anyways...

I just went and saw Twilight because it was the $3 movie here in MP. I would have never EVER gone to see it otherwise. But it evoked some feelings in me that I've kept hidden for quite a while. I've come to accept over the past few years that love is all about being real. There is no magic, there is work. A lot of work, and its not going to be as fantastic as we are taught to believe as children. It's painful and its tough. And I buried all of those hopes and dreams of "The One" and I thought they were gone. I was a realist. I was rational. And then Twilight happened to me. I know that the movie is just another great love story... but it seemed different for some reason. All of the hokey romantic comedies make me want to barf. They are a dime a dozen and they're all the same... totally unbelievable.

Ha. Unbelievable. I talk about people who could be real characters as unbelievable and then I watch a movie about a vampire and say its more believable...

Anyway, it melted me. All of those years of hardening... gone. I want the magic. I want the One. And I think I have to believe he's out there. I've told myself for quite a while now that I'm okay with being alone... more time to work and study and write. But I want more than that. I want to love someone and be loved so deeply that it hurts.

I want it all.

Here's the clincher... boy-o called me as soon as the movie was finished. Like literally stood up from my seat in the theater and saw that I had a missed call... he had called within the past 30 seconds.

So... then there's the permagrin.



... Is Just To Love, And Be Loved In Return.

Survived The Plague, Floated The Flood, Just Peaked our Heads Above The Mud...

Hell.

This semester was hell.

And I'm honestly not sure how I made it through.

But it is over. And the weight I thought I would feel be lifted off my shoulders never happened. I never felt that sigh of relief once everything was done. And that made me very sad. I was expecting some grand feeling, and it was extremely anti-climactic. Since Thanksgiving I wrote 5 papers (a total of about 70 pages) took 3 finals, and graded about 30 outlines. Two weeks for all of that. And in 48 hours time (From Monday at about 10PM until Wednesday at around 5PM I wrote 28 of those pages and took 2 of those exams). And it definately wasn't because I waited and procrastinated and screwed around until the very last minute. Nope, just had to do the projects in order of due date, and it left me writing papers the day they were due. I do not suggest EVER taking 4 grad classes and teaching two classes simultaneously. It will drive you into the ground and cut you off from the rest of humanity. However... I get to coast (at least in comparison) this last semester. So yay.

So, this boy, we'll call him Bo, who showed interest in me before my birthday, and then as soon as my birthday came around went into social hiding, well he came out of his shell this past week. And was flirting with me hardcore right before our final on Tuesday and then again at the bar afterwards. And when he was supposed to come out Thursday (and didn't show up, Thank God! cause I was obliterated and acting like a damned fool) I decided that it was my duty as a dumb drunkard to call him as many times as possible to see where the hell he was.

[the great thing about this photo is that A) we're singing "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" and B) I didn't remember even doing this until the photo was tagged on Facebook... a full bottle of Riesling and 2 concoctions of whatever Darrel was making. Notice nice $140 BCBG lowcut blouse with back zipper access]

Well, skipping all of the embarassing details of the night that I don't really remember, he never showed. And being a bit upset at this (since I had worn a lowcut shirt and done my hair and makeup all special (like a stupid girl)) I proceeded to put an away message up on AIM saying how stupid I felt and how I had gone to such lengths to impress a boy that never even showed up...

yeah, I'm an idiot, I know this. Well, of course I did that so he would see it, and of course, he did! And promptly left me a message asking if the message was in reference to him and if so he was extremely sorry...

So, of course, I was mortified when he called me the next day and I tried to apologize. So yeah, I'm a bit nervous about said boy-o... I think he likes me, but I'm afraid he's bi-polar with the way he acted for about a month (okay, not literally bipolar... but honestly, who wants a guy who plays the hokey pokey?!).

So anyway, stupid boys aside... the semester was alright, it was a shit load of work, but I think its going to end up alright. I should be in the running for a 4.0. We'll see if I did as shitty on my finals as me thinks I possibly could have. Oh... and yes, I am on ratemyprofessor.com... have a look see!

http://www.ratemyprofessors.com/SelectTeacher.jsp?the_dept=Communication&sid=200&orderby=TLName&letter=P

... It's Not The End There Is More Show, We've Got About Fifteen Minutes To Go.