We'll Never Be Ready If We Keep Waiting For The Perfect Time To Come...

Where to begin...

I've signed my life away to Ohio State for the next four years. I received two rejection letters from Michigan State and a rejection letter and rejection e-mail from Purdue. As if I didn't get the message and feel bad about myself the first time around. I have still yet to hear from The University of Ohio and The University of Kentucky. I pay the pricks quite a bit of money jut to apply and they can't have the common decency to just tell me I'm not good enough. So I'll go where they want me. Cause quite frankly, who doesn't want to be somewhere they're wanted?

The thesis. Well, that's making me upset just having to talk about it. My advisor is the biggest ditz ever. And she has made my life a living hell because her head is nowhere except in the clouds. My thesis should/could have been done 2 to 3 months ago. Now I have more hoops to jump through. I have less than two months to collect my data (needless to say find the subjects in a dwindling summer school population to collect the data from), do data treatment, interpret the results, write up the final part of it, and do revisions. And, come to find out during my visit to Columbus last week that there is no grace period for me to finish my thesis. I can't begin school until its done. So yeah, I'm a bit pissed. Looks like I'll just be taking a TON of time off of work that I can't afford to. Cause little girl doesn't get paid by O. State. until the end of October. BLAH! I'm done being angry here. The thesis isn't done and it isn't for my lack of trying. The fact that I'm getting screwed in this whole thing by the person who is supposed to be facilitating my success makes me want to spit. But enough of that for now.

I've been dating a boy for a few months now. This boy was a student of mine last semester. I know I know... scandelous. Only kinda. He's a year older than I am. So we've been dating. Well, at least it started out as dating. I really thought I liked this kid. He enjoys things that I do, we have great conversations, and we have a lot of fun together. The kid acted like he really liked me for the first month we were dating. Called me everyday of his own accord, made comments like "I really like your friends", "I think your brother-in-law and I would really get long" and "Well, yeah, I want to go to the wedding. It will give us a chance to hang out." All statements from someone you think is really interested right? Maybe he was. He even wanted me to meet his entire family! Now he barely calls me. I barely get to see him as it is because he's in Mt. Pleasant/Lansing while I'm in GR and he works 7 days a week anywhere from 9 to 15 hours each day. Go figure. Well, the phone calls stopped coming. Every time I would write him off though and just accept it as it was, he would call me again. Then nothing again. Then I say oh well, I tried, and he calls me again. But after the texts I got from him the other night, I feel like I'm just a "booty call" for him. Which home girl does not do. I've been doing that dating thing for two years now. I'm tired of it. I'm looking for a friend and someone who wants to be around. Someone who cares and wants to hear how my day was and who wants to share life events, friends, and family with me. Not saying I need to get married anytime soon, or that I need a serious relationship. But it seems sucky that after two years of being single, I can't find a single person that I'm interested in. I think something might be wrong with me. Maybe I smell?

I know that all sounded like me being the single lonely girl that just really wants a boyfriend. That's not it at all. Quite frankly I enjoy the solitude most of the time and I like being able to do whatever I want whenever I want. But I do miss having that person around to share my life with. I want someone to hear the highs and lows and be genuinely interested in all of it, and want to share the same with me. I've got a big heart and a lot of love to offer. I just wish someone would accept it and reciprocate.


Anyway... Summer has been crazy busy. I have been in such high social demand I can't believe it! I am however beginning to feel guilty about not spending much time with the parentals. So I declined on an invitation to join Grit, Matty, etc. up in Baldwin and Silver Lake today. I went and had lunch with grams, took a walk through the fields at my park with my mom. We looked at the wildflowers and picked lots of blackberries and mulberries. It was an extremely enjoyable time.

I've also picked an apartment in Columbus to live in. It's a bit of a drive to campus, but I'm okay with that. Cause after only two visits to Columbus, I'm already feeling a bit overwhelmed at the size of the city and this will be at least a small escape into a wooded area where there are no woods. On top of that, the apartment is of a generous size with some extra perks, so if you are reading this, please come visit me. An open and standing invitation for anyone.




... Hold Me Steady, We'll Never Be Ready, And We Don't Know. Though We Can't See, Just Walk On Down This Road With Me.

Spokane Has Nicknames Like Spokompton...

Spring Break 2009: Part I

So I got back from spring break about a week ago. I took March 4th through the 15th to do a little traveling out West, and it was interesting to say the least. My first leg of the trip was Spokane, Washington. A trip I made with my sister to go visit cousin Chad. [for my own purposes, I'm going to do a day-by-day account].

Wednesday 3/4: Kerry and I flew out of GR Airport at 8:00 pm and flew to Minneaplis and after an hour layover to Spokane. We got in [on our time about 2 AM] at 11PM. We drove back to Matt and Jill's house [where Chad is shacking up] and were up until [4AM] 1AM discussing plans for our days.

Thursday 3/5: Kerry and I slept in until [1 PM] 11 AM. We had a small breakfast and waited for Chad to get back from work. He arrived a little after 1 pm and from there we went for a little drive in search of a place called Green Blough. There were some really nice views of the mountains and we even found some really cute orchards for Chad to frequent in the spring/summer when they're actually open again. And, of course, as soon as we got to the mountains, my batteries in my camera died. After we drove around for a while we went to the REI store. I ended up spending $100 on a pair of nice hiking boots, a new hat, smart wool socks, and lithium batteries. We went to this really neat little grocery store/gas station that carried only organic goods. I wasn't surprised at Chad's food store selection since he's such a damn dirty hippie [haha]. We got some veggies and then we stopped at a meat market and got some steaks. I was in charge of cutting up the potatoes. Chad insisted that they be cut super thin so that they baked up correctly, and of course in my efforts to follow directions, I cut my finger. Anyway, the food made it to the table sans blood and we had a really nice meal. Kerry and I were introduced to an Australian treat that is a substitute for Ketchup. You mix sweet chili sauce and sour cream together and then dip your thin cut, seasoned, baked potatoes and dip them in it. Pretty tasty if I do say so myself!

Friday 3/6: We had to get up early because we were hanging with Chad for the day. First, we went and had breakfast with Chad's friend Marianne. Marianne is an older lady, probably around my mothers age, and is one of the coolest people I've met. She moved to the US when she was either 22 or 23 with $75 in her pocket. In fact, she lived in Ann Arbor the first year or two she was here. She's moved all over the country and has literally traveled all over the world. It was a neat experience talking with her, but our visit was a bit short lived. Chad had some work he had to do at the office, so Kerry and I went to the art fair. It was boasted as the largest art fair in the country. That was definately a lie! Not that I've been to bigger, but I've been to art fairs the same size easily. The first booth we stopped at was a paper flower thing, and they were super pretty [and super expensive] and Kerry and I both ended up buying one. And besides some organic honey and soup for Chad, thats all we purchased there. Then, we sat and waited for Chad for over an hour to come pick us up. It was in this time that I found a little stand with those pamphlets that advertise little towns and things to do in the surrounding areas. I grabbed a few and we looked through them while we waited. Chad finally came and got us and then we started our canvassing journey with Chad. Kerry and I were employed by Chad to help him canvas for Envision Spokane. This is a pretty large project that a lawyer has undertaken not only here, but in other parts of the country as well. From what I understand, he started it in Pennsylvania and that case has the possibility of making it to the Supreme Court. Anyway, its pretty interesting, especially if you're at all interested in politics, because its actually trying to bring real democracy back to the people. I suggest checking it out! Anyway, we spent the entire afternoon canvassing a neighborhood. We were pretty parched and hungry from walking around, so we went to a bar downtown and had a beer and some water. As soon as Matt and Jill were home from work, we met them for dinner at the Bulls Head [a little bar/resturaunt reminiscient of an English pub]. I was a bit disappointed with my food, but oh well. Afterwards we went and played pool at another bar. The first game we played, and my first or second shot, I ended up putting the 8 ball in by accident. I didn't even see it, and apparently neither did Chad or Matt. So, Kerry and Jill sneakily retrieved it and put it back on the table and neither of them had any idea of what happened until we were leaving and Kerry told Chad. Well, Matt and Jill were on a team and then it was Chad, Kerry, and I as the opposition. We won all 3 or 4 games we played. I even redeemed myself at the end by sinking the last 2 shots of the final game for the win!

Saturday 3/7: Skiing/Snowboarding Day! I was so excited about this chance to get out on the slopes for the first time in three years! I know I was way over confident going into it, as I'd only been snowboarding once before, but I figured it would be like riding a bike! We headed to Chewelah, WA which is home to 49 Degrees North! Well, after spending $36 on a lift pass and rental, we headed over to the bunny hill. The first run for me took quite a while. I am pretty sure I fell every ten feet as I was trying to get my body used to the feeling and balance of turning and stopping. Not a pretty sight. The second run down was a bit better. I made it at least 50 feet between each fall! And, I was actually getting a lot better at stopping both toe and heel directions! It was encouraging! However, by the time we made it down the second time, it was time for us to go check in with Matt, Jill, and Jill's cousins who came up for the day to partake in the activities. Of course, both of her cousins were on the Michigan State Ski team, so I felt like a bit of an idiot. Oh well. Chad decided he wanted more of a challenge, so he went to do some normal hill runs with them while Kerry graciously said she'd stay with me on the bunny hill. Let me just add here that this bunny hill was probably 3/4 of the size of the normal sized ski hills at home in Michigan. This looked like a mountain compared to the bunny hill at Bittersweet. I digress. So, I'm about a third of the way down the hill. I took a spill and it knocked the wind out of me. I got up and made it a few more feet and I decided to try and slow down/stop using the toe technique [or facing up the hill]. Well, I was going a bit fast and as I slowed down I lost my balance and fell forward [but facing up the hill]. I caught myself and then my eyes tightened as the pain in my elbow became more than evident. I quickly rolled over and laid on my back. I laid there for quite a while. Kerry was long gone at this point as she had already gotten the hang of her ski's and was pretty damn good at cutting the slope. I finally decided to get up and just try to get down the hill. I was crying a bit at this point. I was so ridiculously nervous about falling again. I made it a little bit and then decided to fall again, just so that I would slow down. I was hurting too bad to try and concentrate on trying to slow down properly. I sat there for a minute trying to muster up the courage to get up and go again. It probably took me about 20 minutes to get the rest of the way down the hill. I finally made it and told Kerry that I was done for the day. She was a good big sister and said we should go hang out in the lodge then, but I told her to get back up there and go down some more, that I was just going to chill while she skiied some more. We didn't spend all of this money to get three runs out of it [well, at least she didn't]. Anyway, we met back up with Chad, Matt and Jill and Kerry went with them down one of the easier "real" runs on the mountain. I turned in my gear and went and sat in the lodge with a hot chocolate. We headed back to the cars, shared a beer, then headed home. I took a shower since I felt pretty disgusting. Jill, Kerry and I worked on a puzzle that they had out on a table for a while. I've never been into puzzles, but this one was pretty damn addicting. I think puzzles might be addicting for me. Getting a piece to fit is way to exciting. Anyway, we had a nice dinner, and then I decided to turn in for the night. Jill's cousins, even though they were the same age as me, were a bit annoying and I was tired. I figured out quickly that it hurt most when I tried to open a door, or rotate it from side to side. My arm was hurting, and I just decided to be lame and turn in early.

Sunday 3/8: Kerry, Chad and I got up early and headed to Couer d'Alene, Idaho. From a few people's explanations, its like Traverse City with mountains. Anyway, since it was supposed to be such a cute little town, we were expecting there to be mom and pop greasy spoons to grab a good breakfast. Well, apparently they don't have those in downtown Couer d'Alene. It was pretty disappointing! We drove out of town and found a decent little place and had a nice breakfast. After that we went back downtown and did a little antiqueing. There were some cute little gems, but no one really found anything that we thought we couldn't live without. The last place we went in was a "fine art and antiques" place, so we knew that we weren't the right demographic this place was trying to attract. We went in anyway, and its a good thing we did. The lady that owned it was super nice and told us about a few places where there were some biking and hiking trails. We headed to one of them called Tubbs Hill and went to the top. It was really nice. Absolutely gorgeous scenery. I was wearing my new hiking boots and being new shoes, I wasn't very steady in thin snow with them. I was pretty convinced I was going to fall. Coming down was even worse. But I made it down successfully without biting the dust! Then we hopped in the car and headed for Wallace, Idaho! We found this place in one of the brochures that I grabbed at the art fair. The draws were that it was an old mining town, "The Center of the Universe", a bordello museum, and they refused to divide the town by running the expressway through it, so they built the expressway up and over it. Well, we figured we'd mozey on over in that direction since it was only about 25 minutes from Couer d'Alene. We got there, drove around the three blocks it entailed, and realized that absolutely NOTHING in "The Center of the Universe" was open on Sunday! It was pretty crazy. The small mining museum which also fronted as a tourist info center was closing at 3:00, which was 2 minutes after our arrival. We talked to this old guy who was in there for a while. He used to be a scientist and then one day decided that he didn't want to do that anymore. So he moved to Wallace and spends most of his time skiing. Then, as we were leaving and driving through town again, I noticed these signs on every corner of this one intersection. So we got out and took our photo opportunity! Here is my documentation that I have been, indeed, to "The Center of the Universe"!

We drove back to Washington, made one final dinner, and spent the evening playing Fill or Bust and putting that damn puzzle together. Kerry and I packed our stuff up and hit the hay.

Monday 3/9: We got up in the morning, Chad took us over to have breakfast with Marianne again and he headed to work. We had a very pleasant morning chatting with Marianne and she told us about this trip she's taking to go swim with whales off of some tiny little island by Tahiti. After we were there for a while, she took us to the airport to catch our flights. Kerry headed back to GR and I was on my way to Salt Lake City, Utah where I would then hop a shuttle bus and head up to Pocatello, Idaho for the next adventure of my trip.

... "I'm Just Saying".

With Some Good Red Wine and My Brand New Shoes...

Hardcore came and visited me on Thursday evening and we spent the night at the Cabin drinking and singing karaoke with a handful of my fellow GTA's. We had lunch on Friday at the Pixie (cause you can't come to Mt. Pleasant and not have the Pixie) and then he left to go up to the Sault. Chelsea, Katie and I headed to Midland after he left to go shopping at the mall (I was in need of a purple bra for the monologues, a short sleeved white turtleneck for myself, and anything else that might happen to catch my eye...). We had a lovely afternoon and I was very excited at the prospects of a nap as we were driving back to Mt. Pleasant. We got home and, of course, I checked my facebook, e-mail, etc., all of the important stuff. ha. As I was perusing my cmich e-mail account I saw one that had "OSU School of Communication" in the subect title. The first thing that came to mind was that it was a confirmation e-mail that they had received (or had not received) all of my materials for application. I opened it and began reading:

Hi Katie,

I'm Chip Eveland, the Director of Graduate Studies for the School of Communication at OSU. That means that I chair the graduate admissions committee for the School. I'm writing to let you know that we've had the opportunity to review your file, and we are excited about the prospects of you joining our PhD program come the fall. You will receive a formal (and form) letter from us early next week informing you not only of your admission, but also of the graduate assistantship funding package that we will be offering you. You'll also be hearing from me again soon to see if you will be able to join us on April 2nd and 3rd for our Visitation Day, in which we will have an opportunity for you to meet our faculty and graduate students, as well as tour our campus and research facilities. This is an important opportunity for you to come and discuss your interests with our faculty and make sure that your interests and goals fit well with the nature of our program and our faculty. We can put you up in a hotel the evening of April 2, and will cover dinner that night plus breakfast and lunch on Friday. We can also help support your travel here through reimbursement.Anyhow, I wanted to write specifically to answer any initial questions you may have about our program, the funding offer, or the Visitation Day. I look forward to talking with you soon...chip--
Dr. William "Chip" Eveland
Professor of Communication and Political Science
Director of Graduate Studies, School of Communication
3139 Derby Hall
Columbus, OH


Needless to say, I had to re-read the 3rd through 6th line a few times before I comprehended (and I'm still not sure that I do) what it said. I ran out into the living room where Chelsea sat on the couch and showed it to her. I was speechless, she didn't say much either, but I think that was just a lack of caring. She told me congrats and I ran back to my room with my laptop. I called my parents. My dad answered, I told him that he needed to go find mom and put it on speaker phone. He said she was asleep and I told him that he needed to wake her up, that she'd want to be woken up for this. I told them then. My mom hadn't heard it all completely, so I had only told my Dad, he said way to go, or something like that, but with less enthusiasm than I was expecting. Such is my father. He handed the phone to my mom and I told her the same news, reading her the first portion of the e-mail. Hers was the response I was waiting for. She was very excited for me and so proud. I could hear it in her voice. I spoke with her for a few minutes and then told her that I wanted to call Kerry. I hung up and pressed "3" and then send. It rang and rang and went to voicemail! How could she not answer!!! I left her an urgent voicemail telling her to call me back immediately! I waited 3 minutes and tried again. It seemed like an eternity having to wait a few minutes to call her back. Again, the phone rang and went to voicemail. I left her another message, more impatient than the first. She finally called me back and I about exploded. My sister finally got the entire response I was looking for. She mimicked my intensity and excitement, just like I knew she would! We talked for a while and then I finally got off the phone with her. I then started calling other family and friends. I mostly left voicemails for people.

I still can't believe it. Ohio State University. The one school that posted an actual GRE score expectation (that I was under by 70 points) and they're the school to accept me in 2 weeks. The application that wasn't due until Jan. 15th, and here they are, sending me an e-mail accepting me into their program on the 30th. Ohio State, the one program that I was applying to just for shits and giggles, that I never in a million years dreamed would even look at my application after they saw my GRE score. Crazy how life works.

I'm shocked. I'm in awe. I'm reeling from the idea that no matter what happens now, even if I get into the other 4 programs, or if I don't, I still can get my PhD, and at one of the more prestigious schools I applied to. I still don't feel like this is real. I feel like this is all just a dream. I know that I've put in the time and the effort to get to this point, but I never actually thought this would happen. Even Friday, right before I got the e-mail, I still would have told you it would be a miracle to be accepted by just one of the programs. I honestly wasn't expecting to get in anywhere. I don't know why, but after what happened with Pete last year, I thought that it was a long shot in hell for me to get into a PhD program.

But here I am, a prospective Buckeye. I'm still in disbelief.



... Gonna Dance A Blue Streak Around The Living Room

Oh, You Can't Get To Heaven On Rollerskates...

Okay, so lets start over again. I'm going to try to keep the pity party to a minimum, since I'm trying to keep the pity party in my life to a minimum. Frankly, I've got a lot of great things going for me, and I'm not sure why I'm so low in self confidence. But, I'm trying to change this.

So, almost two months ago I found a lump in my breast while I was working out. Finally went and had it looked at last week. It's always a joy when you have 3 complete strangers feeling your boob in the course of 30 minutes. But, as of right now, they don't seem to think that there is anything out of the ordinary. But, they still have to review my films and make sure. It's a big weight off my shoulders to say the least.

I've applied to 3 out of 5 PhD programs so far at this point. My last two should be going out either tomorrow or Wednesday. I've spent an arm and a leg on applications. I think I'm pushing $400 now with all of the fees and mailing costs. You're killing me smalls, you're killing me.

I gave the first draft of my thesis to Wendy two weeks before the semester ended. I still haven't gotten anything back from her, and I'm about to scream. 2 months is a little ridiculous. The thing is only 24 pages long, I mean honestly.

We just had our first practice in a month for the monologues yesterday. I think its going to be pretty good. I'm excited about my part. I like it. Because my vagina, well, it wants everything.

Still haven't heard back yet about the job at Northern. I'm not sure if I even stand a chance... and this waiting has made my hopes diminish. Oh well. We'll just wait and see. The next month or two could be quite interesting in determining what my future holds.

My parent's 35th Anniversary is coming up in May, and my sister wants to put a memory book together for them. So I found a few old pictures down in the basement and brought them up here with me. I scanned them in and used my cool new photo editing software I got for Christmas to try and touch them up a bit since they're all yellowed and aged. Cause, well, the 70's was a really long time ago.

Before

After

And one of me as a wee tike [even though I was never very wee] for your enjoyment

... Cause You'll Roll Right Past.

I've Got The Same Old Heart...

Things have to change.

I'm tired of people constantly calling me a bitch. Especially when I don't feel like I was a bitch EVER to those people. If not letting people walk all over me and calling people out when they're screwing me over means I'm a bitch, then so be it. However, I know that I'm mean, and cynical, and sarcastic quite a bit too. I hit people a lot, and I've finally noticed how violent I am.

I had dinner with a long lost friend last night and when she asked me how I was, I surprised myself with my answer. I'm okay. I'm unhappy and unsatisfied, but I'm alright. And there it is.

I'm alive. I'm healthy. I'm doing extravagantly in school. But I'm extremely unsatisfied with my life. And the sad part is, I don't know what would make me happy. For instance, I was extremely upset that I got an A- this semester. And in the one class I thought I for sure would have an A in. I got 3 A's and an A-. I got a 3.92 for the semester and an overall grad school GPA of a 3.75 and I'm upset about it. I'm not satisfied with that GPA, because it isn't a 4.0. I worked my ass off this semester, and I really thought that I had a shot at a 4.0 for the first time since I think middle school. And I was so close, but I didn't get it. And instead of being happy that I still did awesome anyway, I'm pissed because it wasn't perfect. I have issues apparently.
I'd like to think that having someone in my life might make me happy, but I really don't want to have to rely on someone else to fulfill that for me. I think I'm jaded. I think I've been surrounded by so many negative people for so long that I don't know anything different. But then there is the argument of Locus of control, so who knows what the truth is.

All I know is that I need an overhaul. I need something different. I need a new perspective. I have no idea how I'm going to get there, but something has to change.


...With A Brand New Beat.

I Believe I Can See The Future...

I remember now why I do not enjoy being home. I AM BORED OFF MY ASS!!!! It is so ridiculously hard for me to go from not having time to sleep to having nothing to do but watch tv and sleep. I hate this crap. I have some books to read, and I have applications to fill out for PhD programs, and I have Christmas shopping to do... but its like as soon as I get to my parents house, the lazy button is switched to high. I actually cooked chili and baked beer bread tonight... me and the kitchen are not friends, but there I was, all domesticated and what not. Rar.

A student e-mailed me and said it was my fault that he didn't drop my class because I said he had a chance of passing if he started showing up and did really well on the rest of the things in class. Well, he did start showing up, but he did alright on the rest of the assignments, and low and behold, he earned an F for the class, and now he might get kicked out of University. And I almost replied, well, you should have shown up for class and given your speech when you were supposed to and you wouldn't be in this predicament. But I didn't.

And then, dumbass Eric decided that I am a bitch for not magically knowing that his great gramma died a few days ago. Apparently I have to check his facebook profile to know whats going on in his life, and if I don't... well then I'm the bad guy.

I fucking hate people. And apparently they all hate me too. FUCK!





...Cause I Repeat The Same Routine.

The Greatest Thing That You Can Ever Learn...

I had a great morning for some reason. I couldn't tell you why I was in such a good mood, I just was. No one at church recognized who I was. They told me they were asking each other during the service who the "Cute new girl was". So I got a lot of compliments on my hair, and a lot of people talked to me. But I was in a decently good mood long before then.

Anyways...

I just went and saw Twilight because it was the $3 movie here in MP. I would have never EVER gone to see it otherwise. But it evoked some feelings in me that I've kept hidden for quite a while. I've come to accept over the past few years that love is all about being real. There is no magic, there is work. A lot of work, and its not going to be as fantastic as we are taught to believe as children. It's painful and its tough. And I buried all of those hopes and dreams of "The One" and I thought they were gone. I was a realist. I was rational. And then Twilight happened to me. I know that the movie is just another great love story... but it seemed different for some reason. All of the hokey romantic comedies make me want to barf. They are a dime a dozen and they're all the same... totally unbelievable.

Ha. Unbelievable. I talk about people who could be real characters as unbelievable and then I watch a movie about a vampire and say its more believable...

Anyway, it melted me. All of those years of hardening... gone. I want the magic. I want the One. And I think I have to believe he's out there. I've told myself for quite a while now that I'm okay with being alone... more time to work and study and write. But I want more than that. I want to love someone and be loved so deeply that it hurts.

I want it all.

Here's the clincher... boy-o called me as soon as the movie was finished. Like literally stood up from my seat in the theater and saw that I had a missed call... he had called within the past 30 seconds.

So... then there's the permagrin.



... Is Just To Love, And Be Loved In Return.